


Keep On Loving You

by LittleFear



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Chinguline (EXO), Cuddling & Snuggling, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hand Jobs, Lot of fluff, M/M, Sexual Content, Trip to Japan, Way too many Game Of Thrones references, skype conversations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-05
Updated: 2017-12-06
Packaged: 2019-01-30 01:15:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 29,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12643155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleFear/pseuds/LittleFear
Summary: Baekhyun has a playlist for everything but none of them explain how to deal with Chanyeol’s departure for Japan.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Whoa, okay. This fiction is kind of very personnal but I needed to write it down to get it out of my chest. Even through the places in Japan described in the fiction do exist (and I did visit them), remember that this story may or may not contain some inaccuracies.  
> Also, I would like to thanks my beta-s, M (I love you!) and Cheeseballing (see, I really called you like that) for their support. 
> 
> This title was inspired from this  song 
> 
> If you have questions, feel free to leave them in the comments~
> 
> 18/09/18 : READ ME READ ME READ ME : hi again. Yesterday, I noticed this fanfic has a LOT of grammatical errors (dear betas... we fucked up. XD). Anyway, I will edit this fanfic when I have time and I'm very sorry for the inconvenience. If you read it like this...well... may the force be with you.

Sometimes, Baekhyun wonders what he did wrong in his life. He looks up at the trees, only to admire the red colour painting the dying leaves, subtle touches of gold and brown getting in the way. The park looked like it was on fire and Baekhyun couldn’t for the life of him turn his eyes away. The brunet always loved autumn. It was the most beautiful season. The crisp air and the falling of multicoloured leaves, the sound of crunching beneath his feet and – most of all – the grey in the sky, promising rain. He has always been known as a sun person – if a term like this can be used – but he secretly enjoys the rain. Baekhyun loves to walk in the pond of water, to rush into the downpour until he is soaked up to the bones. This way, he doesn’t have to think. 

The brunet scrunches his nose and adjusts the beanie on his head. He has to hurry up or he will be late for class. And now, nobody will be here to hand him notes, or scold him for being late. Baekhyun would correct them by saying, “fashionably late, thank you very much”. It was all in the attitude after all.

The lush trees on his campus ended his hopes to jump into a pile of dead leaves. It would be for another time. Scrambling through his playlist, he smiles when he clicked by accident on the title of one song and _‘Keep on loving you’_ from Cigarettes After Sex began. It is a funny name, that’s for sure. The first time Chanyeol showed it to him, Baekhyun gave him his most judging look. Not a look that can compete with Kyungsoo’s deadly stare, but it was enough. Enough for Chanyeol to whine and to tickle the elder until Baekhyun accepted to give the band a try. The giant could be so damn persuasive.  
The brunet holds his phone harder, the thumb caressing the screen. He was surprised the first time. Very surprised. The music was so soft, so languid. The kinds of songs you listen to in the dead of the night, either with a lover or on your own, with a cushion tucked between your neck and your legs, curled up in a small ball. For Baekhyun, it was the latter.

 

Many students were present but it was predictable. The first week of school, everyone is bursting with energy and motivation. People are swearing to study hard this year, no more college party or other shit. They will believe in themselves for a week in general, two at best, before crawling in class on Friday morning, dead from the night before. And this case is only applicable to the bravest of them. The others wouldn’t even try to attend class.

For Baekhyun, this problem was already solved. He won’t party this year. Not because he is suddenly becoming a serious student – hell no – but because he has no one with whom he could go. Of course, the reputation of Baekhyun was to be a social butterfly, to laugh obnoxiously at some stupid jokes and to carry everywhere this boxy smile of his. This was Byun Baekhyun, the happy puppy of the university. Loud, overly tactile and smiley Baekhyun.  
But the brunet can only be this way because he was confident enough around his friends, always here to cheer on him or roll their eyes at him. He knows he was loved by them just this way. That he can be as extravagant as he wants, as stupid as he wants they will – Chanyeol will – love him in the same way.

But they aren’t there anymore.

 

Baekhyun thins his lips and enters the edifice. Listening to _‘Keeping on loving you’_ was a bad idea. A very bad idea. Especially when he thinks about his friends, far away from him. He should change to something more upbeat, he should go into his play list ‘Rainbows and cupcakes~~’ – yes, one of his playlist was really named like that – and select a joyful song from a kpop girl group. He is in love with this kind of dumb and bubbly songs, always giving an effective spring to his step. But it is fall and his friends are not here. Chanyeol is not here.  
He passes his thumb against the screen one more time but lets the song play.

His classes starts in five minutes but Baekhyun cannot bring himself to speed up. What a wonderful way to start the new semester.  
It is the first time, the very first time, that he is completely alone. Or at least, metaphorically speaking. The building is bursting with old students and newcomers, everyone rushing to class or trying desperately to find their way. He sees the distressed look of a girl – probably in first year – when she realises the time. Well, yeah, time to panic.

He dodges a group of second year before jogging his way to class. Clearly, he is starting wonderfully this year too. The former year, he arrived five minutes before the end of the first class, dishevelled hair and ripped jeans. Without forgetting his _oh so apologizing_ little smirk to the professor, clearly nonplussed at the time. But he really didn’t care much, because Chanyeol was in the class, grinning ear to ear with his distinctive toothy smile. It had been the beginning of a year full of mischief, oversleep, parties and … other things. But clearly not studying. Not much, at least. Just enough for stopping his mother from throwing a tantrum.

The brunet winces at the thought and arrives just on time, sneaking his way to the back of the classroom. The teacher pays him no mind, just like the rest of the students. The perks of being in college. You can be invisible if you want. Nobody is going to bother you. Nobody is going to care.

The brunet takes a pen in hand, his computer lying dead on his bed. He watched the last season of Game of Thrones yesterday night and completely forgot to plug his laptop again after that. The worst part being that he already had watched the whole season this summer, but he missed the show already. He cannot believe that the next – and last – season will get out in 2019! How is he supposed to wait?! The producers are pure sadists.

Unconsciously, he starts doodling a dragon on his notebook and smiles at the big ears he made. He affectionately touches the paper. He watched the show with Chanyeol. All the episodes. All the seasons. They would always end up on his bed, curled up against each other, thighs pressing and sometimes hands joining in the basket of popcorn. The giant would generally shy away and apologise but Baekhyun was always quick on his feet, crescent eyes and boxy smile. His friend would relax again and nudge the brunet away if he dared making a not-so-socially-acceptable remark. Which was more than often than not.  
Especially in front of the American show, where he could pretend to not see the blush creeping his way to Chanyeol’s neck when the scenes were beginning to become sexual or the way his friend was hiding in the curve of his neck when a gory scene happened. He could pretend. But he never had. Teasing the giant endlessly until his friend shoved him away, pouting.

Watching the show without him wasn’t the same. The heat in the sex scenes weren’t as interesting without the warmth of Chanyeol’s body pressed up against his. The battles weren’t as electrifying without Chanyeol’s breath on his nape. It was… different. Disturbing.

The lecture began a few minutes ago but Baekhyun couldn’t bring himself to care. He thought he was over this. Over the fact that he and Chanyeol – he and all his friends – couldn’t see each other now. They were in a different country while he was here, in their small home town, alone. Kyungsoo, Chanyeol and Jongdae all have applied for a program specialized in programming in Japan. Neither of them believed they would make it – except maybe for Kyungsoo, the only one who was paying a minimum attention in class – but in the end, they were all selected. The three of them. Chanyeol was selected.

Chanyeol.

 

Baekhyun couldn’t quite name the relation he and the giant have. They are definitely more than best friends but not quite lovers. There were… touches, cuddles and… sometimes a bit more. Sometimes, their hands were travelling a little too far for being friendly but not enough for reaching the point of non-return. Chanyeol was always awfully careful in his movement with the brunet while he was clumsy with everything else. Once they might have kissed, but they were both drunk. But not drunk enough to blame it on the alcohol. Or at least, in Baekhyun’s opinion.

A light chatter is travelling from one side of the classroom to the other, some students already bored by the lesson. Papers are shifting and computers are either showing a nice Word blank sheet filled with black lines or a Facebook page. If Baekhyun didn’t run out of battery like an idiot, he could have been on Facebook by now and sent a message to Chanyeol.

Even if he did not for the past three weeks.

It wasn’t that his best friend didn’t write to him, but Baekhyun didn’t reply. He did reply to Jongdae and Kyungsoo, but not to the giant. He does not know what to answer a “Japan is wonderful! I wish you could see that! And the food is delicious!” and he knows even less how to respond to “Baekhyunnie, how are you?” He doesn’t know. He doesn’t fucking know.

He was angry in some way. He _is_ angry. Bitter. He knows he shouldn’t, but he couldn’t help it. He wants to be with Chanyeol, to see Dōtonbori with his own eyes. To admire the tall buildings, the publicity screens and this giant moving crab that Jongdae couldn’t shut up about. He wants to see the geisha (“Baekhyun, there is no geisha in Osaka, the last ones are in Kyoto, in Gion to be more precise and... “ “Shut up Jongdae.”) And above all he wants to see the eyes of Chanyeol sparkle when he eats food or finds a new interesting place. He wants to be with his best friend.

But instead, he is at a worn-out desk in his poor looking university, waiting for the class to end. He already knows he would have to catch up with this class. Wonderful.

He sighs and decides to sleep through the last quarter of the lesson. It isn’t like he will learn something today. The brunet looks outside at the wind blowing the trees and the hair of the students. Sometimes, Baekhyun thinks that he will never move on. That he will stay stuck in the same place forever. At this desk or another, but in this town for sure. He never had a problem with it before, he was more than fine with his home town. He loves biking near the lake at the frontier of the city, or walking down the street to buy a cake at Mrs. Kwong, a sweet old lady that always gives him a pat on the head and sometimes some leftovers. Baekhyun will never say no to a cake. Even if it’s a leftover cake. It deserves to be eaten too.

He folds his arms under his head. Chanyeol used to tease him before. Poking his cheek when he was eating and making fun of him when cream landed on his cheek. The giant stopped the day Baekhyun shoved his finger full of chocolate straight to the giant lips. He remembers very well the way the already expressive and big eyes of his friend widened, too surprised to restrain a sudden gasp. He also remembers the hotness of Chanyeol’s mouth, the way his wet tongue curled an instant around his finger before withdrawing, like burned. After that, his best friend never made fun of his sweet tooth again.

Baekhyun nearly jumps out of his chair when the class is _finally_ dismissed. He cannot wait to be out of this class. Even if getting out of this building will not bring him closer to Chanyeol the tiniest bit – or at least, technically speaking, not enough – he will at least be freed of this stuffy atmosphere.

He gets up when someone taps lightly on his shoulders. It is small and discreet, enough to be by a student afraid of upsetting him. The brunet turns his head around and sure enough, it was none other than Kim Junmyeon, the nicest guy of this promotion. He is not Baekhyun’s friend, but he is friendly enough. He is this way with everyone.

“Hi Baekhyun.”

He says his name like they were old-time friends, but that was probably because Junmyeon is older and considers everyone like little brothers.

“Hi Hyung.”

Junmyeon smiles sweetly before getting a look to Baekhyun’s book: full or dragons, giant ears and cakes.  
The older student raises an eyebrow at him “Well, that’s an original way to take notes, I must say”. There was no heat behind his words and Baekhyun knew that, even if Junmyeon takes his studies at heart, he wasn’t the type of man to judge other habits – good or bad.

“It’s a new code from the CIA” Baekhyun gives him a knowing smirk, “They just don’t know it yet”.

Junmyeon hums in acknowledgement. A sleeveless black jacket was over his fastened beige shirt, primly ironed. Like with his studies, the older student cared about his look as well. Baekhyun even noticed twisted leather bracelets at his wrist, little cross shaped elements included into it.

“I will teach you one day,” Baekhyun continues, “It’s a useful skill.”

“I don’t doubt it,” the older chuckles. He leaned a little against Baekhyun’s desk – or whoever this desk will belong to in five minutes – and gives this reassuring smile of his. The I-Am-the-Hyung kind of smile. “Are you okay? You seemed…” Baekhyun clearly saw the moment Junmyeon was searching for a nice way to say ‘dying over your desk and screwing up’ but his eyes finally ease at the corner and he opts for “a bit tired. Did you sleep well?”

As nice as Junmyeon is, Baekhyun is not his friend. He is an acquaintance at best. And even though the older student only wanted to be nice – because that’s the role of Kim Junmyeon, being nice – Baekhyun is not ready to explain himself to anyone. Especially not to an almost stranger.

The brunet throws his bag on his shoulder, grin plastered on his face “I would have if I didn’t spend the night watching Game of Thrones,” he murmurs conspiratorially, leaning in Junmyeon’s space “Winter is coming, Hyung.” He distances himself from the older in time to see a real smile on his lips.

He knows at this moment that Junmyeon was convinced, Baekhyun’s reputation being enough. He waves in the air before grabbing his own bag. This is all he had asked for. For people to let him be.

Junmyeon meets his gaze “Well, that’s true. Autumn is cold enough but winter will be worse. Stay warm Baekhyun.” 

And with that, he left. Baekhyun doesn’t know if Junmyeon didn’t get his reference or if he is just  
unacquainted with the world of Game of Thrones at all but his words left a bad taste on Baekhyun’s tongue. Winter is coming and there’s nothing he can do about it.

***

Actually, winter in Baekhyun’s small town is like the one in Game of Thrones. People are speaking about it but it isn’t coming. Not fast enough for the student’s liking, at least.

He shoots in a pebble in his way, ignoring the baleful look a woman in her thirties sends him. He wasn’t in the mood to smile apologetically. Or to smile at all.

The brunet didn’t talk to Chanyeol in almost four weeks now. His Line and Messenger boxes were buzzing with messages, but he didn’t check them anymore. He didn’t want to see the sad emoticons or GIF that his best friend had probably sent. He imagined only too well some crying Pikachu or _hello darkness my old friend’s_ type of image.  
And he knows this because he knows Chanyeol like the back of his hand, like the pavement under his feet or the graffiti on the wall next to the hospital. And it hurts more than it should.

After his first week of school, Baekhyun finally fell in a new pattern. He would pay attention to the classes that were important and let his mind wander during the boring lectures. He could count on Kim Junmyeon to scold him gently. But never too much, as if the elder knew his boundaries. He wasn’t his friend and Baekhyun, as ludicrous as it seemed, doesn’t want new friends. The brunet was more than ready to put his social life to a stop for the next two years and wait for his true friends. The ones who truly understand him. Even if Jongdae was even louder than him and Kyungsoo’s tiny wrists hurt him daily – it’s abuse at this point, really – he cares about them. And about Chanyeol too, of course. Even if he turns a deaf ear to the man’s messages.

The college student takes a turn left and arrives in a quaint quarter he is well acquainted with. Most of the small boutiques were founded in the sixties but they were still as beautiful as ever. Especially Baekhyun’s favourite bakery with its doors wide open and inviting sweet smells. He comes here every week since he is seven and this habit is not about to change anytime soon.  
The pint-sized old woman is in the back, her grey hair tied in a firm pony tail. Her wrinkled hands are kneading the dough, strong and confident. When she finally notices Baekhyun, a smile sweet like her pastries plasters on her face.

“Baekhyun, what will please you today?” the tone is gentle, as always. Mrs. Kwong’s voice is always filled with calmness in order not to disturb the peace set upon her store.

“I haven’t decided yet,” the brunet feels his lips tug in a smile, “but I’m sure you will help me, Mrs. Kwong.”

She gives him a nod before going to the sink, washing her hands with soap. The septuagenarian baker may be a senior and alone in her workplace, but she is as professional as ever and Baekhyun cannot imagine the day she will be too old to continue. He doesn’t want to think about it.  
Mrs. Kwong makes her way behind the counter where many mouthwatering and appealing cakes are displayed.

“These are from this morning,” she indicates a strawberry tart napped with honey next to bananas fairy cakes topped with a mountain of whipped cream and sparkling gold powder “and this is a chocolate and vanilla layer cake with caramel icing from this afternoon.” She points at the front of the glass case.

Baekhyun hummed until he sees a chocolate cake slice in the back “And this one?”

Mrs. Kwong sighs, her soft expression sightly disturbed “You really have an eye for leftover baked goods, hum.” She searches for a stainless steel clamp pie “This one is from yesterday and I was intending to throw it away.” She finishes, the slice of cake in a little blank cardboard box.

Mrs. Kwong doesn’t like to throw food away but she doesn’t have the choice. Every merchant has leftovers. Especially in this kind of season, cold but not cold enough to bring snow and people outside. Just the annoying kind of cold where you just want to curl up in your couch.

She asks one more time, “Are you sure? The strawberry cake is delicious, I promise.”

The student believed her easily. The strawberry one was always Chanyeol’s favourite and even Kyungsoo, who usually hate cakes – or so he tells – was more than willing to eat a slice. But the cake was full, complete in a perfect full circle and Baekhyun didn’t want to break this harmony. The cake was beautiful as a whole, just like him and his friends were.  
Yes, they were a cake. Resplendent on the outside but a mess inside. But that didn’t matter because when they were together, only the best parts of them were showing. They covered each other’s flaws and learned to appreciate them when the rest of the town couldn’t.  
The brunet looked at the chocolate slice one more time. It was the leftover slice, the portion abandoned by people who were too full to eat even out of greed. It was left here, to rot in this bakery. In this town.

Baekhyun gives his biggest smile, “I’m sure! Give me the chocolate slice please!”

He loves leftovers because he feels like one.

***

Once he was back home – or rather his student’s room, really, nothing felt like home here – he put the cake on his bed and plugged his laptop. He wants to see if Kyungsoo or Jongdae sent him new messages… with news of Chanyeol in it.

The brunet bites on his lips before pushing a cushion behind his head. It was almost five and he had nothing better to do on a Friday evening. Sure, a few students asked him if he was willing to hang out with them but his only answer was a grin and a “sorry, I have plans!”

Plans my ass.

The computer came alive under him and Baekhyun enters quickly his password (“Why do you even need a password?” Kyungsoo had asked, “Everybody already knows your passion for porn” “Excuse you, but I’m a sensible man and I don’t know what you’re talking about.”) Before moving his mouse to access his email box. Sure enough, Jongdae and Kyungsoo both wrote to him. What makes him furrow his eyebrows is the lack of new messages from Chanyeol. Not a single one in three days.

He put his playlist ‘Calm shit’ on shuffle before clicking on the message from Jongdae:

_Hi Baek,_

_Japan is cool, like really cool. You should see the city! Osaka is wonderful! We got lost pretty often but its fun so we don’t care. Did you know that there were more than one neighbourhood named Tanimachi? Like, we were like “Oh sure, we will find this museum easily, it’s in Tanimachi” BUT HELL THERE IS TANIMACHI NINE, TANIMACHI SIX AND TANIMACHI FOUR. WHAT THE HECK. And all of that for a stupid museum. Guess whom idea it was? Exactly, Kyungsoo. The stupid little sh-… I mean wonderful buddy, that I love very much and… good he stopped looking over my shoulder. Jeez. The classes are good too, even if I understand jack shit when it comes to Japanese. I guess watching only Naruto doesn’t make me a master of the language. Too bad._

_Anyway, I have to go. We’re going to eat in Namba today (a really popular quarter)._  
_Hope you’re fine. Don’t skip classes… not too much at least._  
_Have fun!_

_Your favourite and best-looking friend._

Baekhyun snorts at the last line. Best-looking friend, yeah, sure.  
He overlooks the rest of his emails – some from his college and some ads – before clicking on the message from Kyungsoo, way more succinct.

_Hello,_

_Can you stop ignoring Chanyeol? He was just annoying at first but now he acts like… uh. Write to him. If you don’t I will find a way to murder you in your sleep._

_Kyungsoo._

The brunet blinks slowly before re-reading the whole email one more time. What did Kyungsoo meant by ‘He was just annoying at first but now he acts like… uh.’?! It’s not a proper sentence! He can expect this kind of shit from Jongdae but not from Kyungsoo. His friend is supposed to be better than them. And to fucking write down the problem.  
Baekhyun bites on his inferior lip until it turns white. He cannot run away from his best friend any longer, as he already knows what the problem is.

He clicks on the last email Chanyeol send him.

_I miss you._

***

The weekend passed in a blur. Not because Baekhyun was overly busy with his homework or getting out but because he was trying his best to forget the world. And what’s better than Netflix for that?

He was rolled into his duvet like a burrito for the whole week end and almost forgot what the sun was like once Monday rolled in.  
He puts his hand in front of his face and hurry up. Okay, maybe two days weren’t enough to forget the sun. They weren’t enough either to forget the small message from Chanyeol, even if it contained only three words.

Three small words.

The sun is bathing his white skin and Baekhyun closes his eyes for a second, his step coming to a halt. His attitude is getting more and more ridiculous. By not answering his best friend’s messages, he was hurting him. Him, Kyungsoo, Jongdae and himself. He was holding the knife slicing the cake and separating them. It wasn’t the distance, it was him. It was Baekhyun’s fault.

A feather like touch disturbs him and the brunet is greeted by the warm smile of Kim Junmyeon:

“Are you all right? You seemed… out of it.” 

“I’m posing in the natural spotlight that is the sun” he gives Junmyeon a pert smile, “The perfect place for a model like me.”

He wonders one instant if he went too far in his words, people calling him narcissistic and arrogant but his Hyung only chuckles. Like always.

“I will not disagree with that.” Junmyeon looks up before letting his regard survey the park, “it’s a wonderful day to be outside”.

It’s maybe an impression, but Baekhyun feels like he was on repeat. Every day he would wake up, brush his teeth, walk to school, exchange a word about the weather with Junmyeon before starting up again.

“Thankfully, winter is still far away.”

The brunet feels the cold and hard wind blow against his spine and restrained a shriek.

“Yeah...”

Baekhyun felt the sudden need to leave. He needs to escape this. This circle. This place. He wants to run and scream at the top of his lungs. He wants to go to Japan or anywhere Chanyeol is. He wants to start living again and breath. There is no oxygen in this town, in this place, he cannot breathe here, he _cannot br-_

“Baekhyun, are you all right?”

The brunet snap out of his line of thought, his eyes focusing on the person in front of him “Yeah, just thinking about an assignment I didn’t do,” he tries to smile, “nothing to worry about”.

The older doesn’t seem convinced, “You look rather pale though.” He observes the brunet’s face with attention, his warm brown eyes seeming to read into him, “You should rest today, I think.”

“Yeah I...” Baekhyun gulps down whatever was stuck in his throat “I will do that. Thank you, Hyung.”

A bright smile answers him, “You’re welcome.” Junmyeon starts to walk away before adding, “You can speak to me if you feel like it, you know? I will listen.” He gives the younger a last look before heading to class, just like the other students.

Baekhyun doesn’t move.

***

Baekhyun waited three more days before asking Junmyeon if he wanted to go to a café with him. The elder literally _beamed_ at him and agreed to meet at six o’clock at the train station.

Locals always gather there for the small little café near the rails, true sanctuary serving cheap coffee and overcooked pastries to financially struggling students. It isn’t the best or the most modern setting but the place offers free Wi-Fi and – almost – comfortable leather couches for their tired asses. This is the most important.  
It is way better to do an assignment in the comfy atmosphere of this place than in university.  
As always, the light chatter and warm coffee have a soothing effect on the brunet and he feels his shoulders relaxes. Even if the said coffee was only coffee by name. Baekhyun remains faithful to his hot cacao after one try of the bitter concoction. Never again.

He closes the door behind him. Unlike his bad habit to arrive just in time in class, Baekhyun is always punctual when it comes to getting out. He is always too eager to see his friends and even if Junmyeon is not one of them, the brunet still arrives early.

He makes his way to a wooden table situated next to the window, admiring the way passengers were hurrying to catch a train or the hand of a lover. The main platform throngs with people, all of them excited or anxious about their destination. All of them venturing their daily life for a new experience while he is seated here. On the hard-worn, dried up and cracked leather couches. Alone.  
He sighs.

“Did you know that every time you sigh, you let your happiness escape?”

This soft tone could only be Junmyeon and Baekhyun’s lips tug in a small smile “Well, it’s a good thing then,” he turns his head around and rests his chin on the flat of his hand “All this happiness can be free. I’m doing a good deed without moving.”

The elder took place in front of him, his perfectly stylised hair failing into place “You always have a response to everything hum.”

Baekhyun blinks and his voice drops slightly “I don’t see it at something bad. It makes conversation work.”

Junmyeon’s eyes widen almost comically and he hastily shakes his head “No no I-” he drops his gaze to the table, a slight blush beginning to set on his features “I didn’t mean it that way,” he looks up briefly at Baekhyun before looking down again “It’s nice actually. I wish I could have these kinds of comebacks.”

Baekhyun felt like an idiot. He is not usually passive-aggressive but today he is angry because he had to throw away a pizza in his fridge, because the weather is bad, because people were moving and not him and most importantly because he didn’t write to Chanyeol in almost a month. But that didn’t justify his attitude towards Junmyeon and he lets his hands fall in his laps.

“I’m sorry. I’m...” he bites on his bottom lips “I’m being an arsehole without any reason.”

The familiar aroma of coffee was filling the place, from the front of the store to the fastest corner but it didn’t attain Baekhyun. Not really.  
Jongdae and Kyungsoo both send him new messages, new promises from Jongdae (“ _I will bring you quality – subtext, sexual – manga, because I’m a wonderful friend._ ”) And new threats from Kyungsoo ( _“I swear to god if you don’t speak to Chanyeol, I will fuck your ass with a katana.”_ ) but nothing from Chanyeol. Not a word. 

The brunet let his eyelids shut an instant before feeling a hand on his shoulders. He opens his eyes slowly to see Junmyeon smiling at him, “It’s okay. I understand that,” he withdraws his hand “it’s sometimes difficult to go forward”, he stops and seemed to think his words over before getting up “I will order us hot drinks, it will make this conversation easier. What do you want?”

“You don’t have to,” the brunet begins but the look of Junmyeon face makes him stop. It was the I-Am-the-Hyung kind of look.

“It’s normal Baekhyun” he gives him a toothy smile. Not one like Chanyeol that was showing his two rows of teeth but something softer “I understand. _Really_. So, what will you drink?”

“Cocoa with a lot of sugar,” Baekhyun blurts out. He wanted to cover his mouth as soon as the words got out of his mouth but the older man only nod before heading up to the bar.

The brunet blinks again before watching the crown outside grow bigger or smaller. People were always making fun of his habit to drink hot chocolate. “Like a child,” they would say. But Baekhyun does not see what’s wrong in that. Not when it was so normal for him and Chanyeol in winter, curled up in a cocoon of blankets. With sheets help, they would build their own white castle and laugh at their heart’s content, wrapped in the sweet scent of cocoa and in each other’s arms.

Baekhyun could never trade the sweet drink for the bitter taste of coffee. He doesn’t want to move forward if it meant he will lose this heart-warming feeling.

The older student returns shortly after, two hot drinks on a plate accompanied by a slice of pink cake “I figured you could help yourself with a little boost of sugar,” he sits at his place and pushes the cocoa and pastry in front of Baekhyun “you really need it”.

The brunet already had his self-treat of the week but he kept mum. He won’t disappoint Junmyeon again, no.

This time, the younger decides not to complain with a ‘you didn’t have to’ but simply says, “Thank you, Hyung” with a grin. It seems to do the trick when Junmyeon sends him his warmest smile, a hint of flush on his cheeks.

The pink cake was raspberry flavoured, garnished with seasonal fruits and filled with red jam. Baekhyun pokes at the white cream on the side with his fork “Thank you for going out with me today,” he takes a mouthful of the pastry. Tasty. “I… I don’t go out often these days,” the sugary taste on his tongue helps him to stay focus “Must be the lack of free time,” he adds with a small smile.

But this time, Junmyeon doesn’t join him “You and I both know that it’s not the true reason,” he gives him a pointed look “It’s been three years we’re taking the same classes,” he brings the cup of tea in front of him – probably lemon savour according to the colour “and I’ve never seen you like that”.

Baekhyun wanted to ask, “like what?” but kept his mouth shut. He knows he is not his usual self. And if even one of his classmates – not even a friend – noticed that, it means his actual state is worse than expected.

“My friends are gone” Baekhyun really didn’t want to share his life with an almost stranger, but maybe he needs to “like, they are in Japan right now, in Osaka to be precise,” he cut another little piece of the pastry “and… I miss them.”

It was more than just on the metaphorical way. Baekhyun really feels like they were missing. He feels incomplete without them, like a slice of cake left out in the open. The flawed inside bare to the world. 

“I have gone through the same situation,” the younger eyes levelled with Junmyeon’s “my… my only true friend left for China, two years ago,” he puts his fingers on the green cup, his pinky at the bottom “I still think I won’t meet someone as great as him.”

Baekhyun didn’t realise he was staring until he averts his eyes “Why… why are you telling me this?”

His Hyung finally raises his tea cup “Because I didn’t keep in contact with him,” his gentle stare was filled with something more serious “and I regret it dearly now”.

“What makes you think I don’t keep contact?” the brunet says, “I write to Kyungsoo and Jongdae pretty often.”

“What about Chanyeol?” Baekhyun’s face must have given something away because Junmyeon sighs “Maybe I’m not your friend, but everyone in this university must have at least heard your names once,” he settles his cup in front of him “You were like a package.”

Not a package. A cake. A wonderful and sweet cake. 

“Why aren’t you in contact with him, Baekhyun?”

Even with the drink and the soft cream, the brunet’s mouth felt dry and bitter. It was the question he was asking himself over and over again.

“I… I don’t know.”

It was as simple as that. As stupid as that.  
He is afraid of losing Chanyeol because of the distance, to say something he will regret if he happens to be in contact with the giant again. Something like a confession.

Baekhyun left the fork on the side of the dish. He wasn’t hungry anymore. Not for cake at least. “I… I know it may sound stupid but,” the younger curled his fist in his lap “I think it’ll hurt us if we keep contact… saddens us.”

Keeping contact will remind Baekhyun that Chanyeol is far away from him and he will crave for more. When it comes to his best friend, the brunet was greed incarnate. Always asking for more cuddle, eyes battle, light touches and … more. Even if Chanyeol was reluctant sometimes, he would always say yes to Baekhyun. Even if it was beyond the boundaries of friendship.

“I think you’re already both sad right now,” Junmyeon speaks up again, “So yeah, it sounds stupid to let this continue.”

“Did you just use the word _stupid_?” Baekhyun smiles softly, his hand relaxing on his knees, “it sounds so out of character for you, Hyung”.

“I know, I wanted to try,” the older responds, his eyes flashing with amusement. “You make it easier for me through, you’re pleasant to be around.”

The brunet actually laughs at that, not expecting the compliment. It was so sudden and natural that it almost felt weird. It has been a long time since the last time he allowed himself to laugh, to feel a semblance of happiness.

“I don’t think anyone ever qualified me as a ‘pleasant person’ at all,” he grins, “I’m usually the annoying and loud friend… even if Jongdae could easily have this spot.”

A waitress past them with a new set of freshly baked cakes and Baekhyun find himself finally, _finally_ , relaxing. He knows what to do.

“I don’t find you annoying at all,” the older pauses an instant, his eyes carefully set on Baekhyun’s face “or maybe a little when you grumble in class.”

“Hyung, too many comebacks will tire you out,” Baekhyun grins, “but thanks. I...” he let his eyes wander outside again. The sun was setting now, filling the sky from the most delicate pastel hues to the darkest blue. “I will talk to Chanyeol,” even some stars were visible if he squints. “I will talk to him tonight, I promise.”

“Go now then,” he hears the now empty cup of tea being set on the plate, “I don’t want you to change your mind.”

Baekhyun brings his stare back on Junmyeon, his gentle face bathed in the hazy light of the place “Thank you, Hyung,” he takes his black jacket – a present from Kyungsoo – and put it on his shoulders, “You’re… nice to talk to.”

Junmyeon hums “Go now.”

Baekhyun catches his beanie and got up, ready to leave. He throws a last look to Junmyeon “Hyung?”

The older blinks “Yeah?”

“What is the name of your friend back in China?”

For an instant, Baekhyun thought that the older would not answer his question, his face suddenly more solemn. But rapidly, a small smile crept his way across Junmyeon’s face “Luhan. His name is Luhan.”

“I hope you will see him again one day.”

And he truly meant that.

***

He doesn’t feel ready. Not _at all_.  
Baekhyun is in front of his laptop, emptied potato chips at his right and button to start the engine at his left. He doesn’t feel ready but he needs to be. He needs to speak to Chanyeol tonight.  
With a shaky sigh, he pushes the ‘on’ button and retreat right away in his fortress made out of cushions and sheets. After two seconds, the screen light up in front of his face, inviting him to enter his password. Barely letting his right hand out of the warmth of the sheets, the brunet taps ‘ _SuckMyCockJongdae_ ’ in slow motion before being welcomed by his computer. With a password like that nobody could ever hack him. Not even the CIA.

His wallpaper is in general a cute picture of kitties or on the contrary a dark and creepy image of a mountain hidden in the mist of a winter morning – there was no in-between.  
But right now, a silly picture of him and his three friends was displayed on the screen, Google icon being on the nose of Kyungsoo – Youporn was on Jongdae’s. The brunet smiles softly and touches lightly the – icon free – face of Chanyeol with his fingertips. He felt nothing but the smooth and rigid surface of the screen. 

He has to get his shit together. He promised Junmyeon to message Chanyeol tonight. Not tomorrow, not in one week. Tonight.

He lets his hand fall and clicks on his Skype conversation with the giant. The last time he answered was back in August. He felt a disagreeable bill in his throat. Even his white fortress could not protect him from his own shame.

Baekhyun carefully ignores all the messages in the conversation – even the sad Spongebob, yes – and writes “ _Hi_ ” before having the chance to change his mind. He blinks once, then twice before his actions hit him harshly in the face. The brunet growls and hit his head against the wall. He could not find something better than ‘Hi’?! He is so so so stu-

_Sexy Yoda is writing…_

Baekhyun’s eyes widen. No, he was not ready for that.

He closes his eyes. He does not wish to see the reproach in his best friend’s message. Call him a coward, but even after being the one avoiding the other, the brunet does not want to be hurt. Not by Chanyeol.

The blackness of his eyelids doesn’t provide him the expected peace and the student reluctantly open his right eye again. His best friend didn’t write anything. He opens his second eye and frowns. He was sure to see the little bubble icon says “is writing” before but…

_Sexy Yoda is calling…_

Shit.

Baekhyun is in his pyjamas, blanket around his head and probably potato chips crunches on his face. He weeps his cheek in case but it didn’t slow down his erratic heart. His best friend has seen him in way worse than pyjamas but it was the first time in a month they would speak and … he just wanted to be dressed nicely.

The brunet clicks on ‘accept the call’. He already messed up anyway, the giant probably won’t care at this point.

A fuzzy image appears before stabilizing, the face of Chanyeol in full screen.  
Baekhyun tries to gulp down whatever was stuck in his throat but failed miserably. Even in bad image quality, his best friend was as handsome as ever, with his stupid big ears and gentle eyes. Baekhyun was so screwed.

“Hi,” he repeats because Baekhyun doesn’t fucking know what else to say. Chanyeol is in front of him. Finally.

“ _Baekhyun,_ ” says the deep voice of the giant, sending shivers down the brunet’s spine. He says his name like it was the most precious thing in the world and Baekhyun felt like crying.

“Chanyeol, look, I’m–”

“ _I can’t believe I can finally talk to you,_ ” the disbelief in his tone is obvious “ _you’re finally in front of me._ ”

Baekhyun tighten the blanket around himself, ashamed. They were separate by thousands of kilometres but yeah, they were finally in front of each other.

The brunet does his best to inhale carefully in order to settle down his racing heart “I’m...” he closes his eyes to keep himself from crying, “I’m so sorry Chanyeol.”

And he really was. He feels so stupid to have ignored his best-friend because of his fears, because of his selfishness. He doesn’t deserve the giant’s friendship.

“ _I’m the one being sorry, Baek,_ ” the white noise makes him open his eyes again to see Chanyeol biting on his lips “ _I must have done something wrong, I don’t know what it is but I’m sorry anyway, I di-_ ”

“It’s not you” the quietness of his own voice surprises him “it’s me, I,” he feels the intensity of Chanyeol’s gaze on him and his voice wobbles a little “I was afraid… afraid to lose you,” the corners of his eyes tickle “I was so afraid that distance will tear us apart and… I didn’t want to hold you back. You deserve to enjoy your life in Japan and to go forward. I didn’t want to be a bother and...” he passes his hand on his cheek in prevention. He will not fucking cry, “...yeah”.

“ _If I could slap you right now, I will._ ” Chanyeol pauses an instant “ _Okay I will never but you get my point._ ”

Baekhyun smiles “Yeah.”

“ _You didn’t talk to me in a month Baekhyun. A month,_ ” Chanyeol runs his left hand in his black strands “ _I thought… I really thought you were angry with me,_ ” he let his hand fall “ _I… how could you ever think you were a bother to me? You’re my fucking best friend._ ”

Chanyeol’s voice is so confident, so full of promises. Baekhyun wants to grab his neck and cuddle into his warm torso while murmuring a litany of “sorry”. But it was a screen in front of him, not the Chanyeol’s body.

“But my feelings for you are a bother,” the brunet spoke softly, “aren’t they?”

They never really talk about this. About this part of their relationship. Baekhyun sometimes wonders if Chanyeol would have stayed if he wasn’t so obvious, so in love with his tall and handsome best friend.  
The image of the screen stills an instant and Baekhyun thought it was frozen – this goddamn internet connexion! – but then Chanyeol shook his head “ _No,_ ” he looks at Baekhyun. Truly look at him “ _they are not, I promise you. We will have this conversation too someday, just not now._ ”

Baekhyun agrees with a nod. He wasn’t ready for it either.

“ _Baek, promise to call me tomorrow too, I-_ ” his best friend allows a smile to appear on his face, “ _I have so much to talk to you about._ ”

“I will,” the brunet smiles back, “Pinky promise” he says, showing his pinky to the camera.

Chanyeol actually laugh at that “ _Okay, see you tomorrow Baekhyunnie,_ ” he adds, “ _oh and, you look cute like that. See you!_ ”

The Skype conversation ends like that, with a smile on Chanyeol’s face and an erratic beating heart for Baekhyun.

***

The following days, Baekhyun kept his promise and talked animatedly with his best friend, both of them catching up on the events of the last few weeks. Chanyeol was talking with such a passion about the life in Osaka (“Can you believe there are snakes and owls café in Namba? Jongdae was shitting himself even with the small lizards! Kyungsoo on the opposite was totally fine even with the biggest snake. I think they understood each other as predators.”) or his classes (“ _As long as it’s engineering it’s fine, but the Japanese classes seriously, no fun at all. The only useful thing I learnt was that “Pika pika” of Pikachu actually means shiny! Inst’ it wonderful?_ ”) or more simply silly things (“ _What do you mean you watched Game of Thrones again? How dare you watch it without me! The North will remember your betrayal!_ ”) and Baekhyun was constantly smiling now.

He was smiling this morning in the street, at noon while taking his lunch with a new acquaintance – a girl named Sooyoung from his maths class – and he is smiling now, in algebra.

In careful handwriting, he set down the numbers on his newly bought green notebook, the black ink shining one second in the light of the sun before drying on the paper. Baekhyun bought this bound notebook alongside a blue fountain pen in a small shop close to Mrs. Kwong’s bakery. He still doesn’t know why he did that, but after a conversation with Chanyeol, he just wanted to.

He settles down his pen once his work is complete and allows himself to look outside. It was a lovely day. The avenues of beech, linden and maple trees are particularly beautiful, dressed in autumn colours: a harmony of dark red, brown and yellow.  
The brunet pictures easily Chanyeol on a bench, his old classic guitar on his knees and a runny nose. His best friend always tended to fall sick in fall, forgetting his beanie and scarf. But he would still go outside to compose a song, for “inspiration” he would say.

Now, nobody was on the benches. It’s too cold and damp for the students and Baekhyun understands them. Without his best friend, he will not venture outside. He treasures his health, thank you very much.

His algebra professor calls the class to an end and Baekhyun gathers his belongings. His Skype call with Chanyeol is in two hours and he is already fidgeting on his chair.

“You seem happy,” a gentle voice says, “I assume you talk to your best friend.”

Baekhyun flash a smile to Junmyeon “Yes, I did” he put his wool scarf around his neck “We’re okay now.”

The older hums, his usually perfectly combed hair a little bit tousled “Good for you,” he says “hum, Baekhyun, can I,” Junmyeon downcast his eyes, concentrates on his shoes “Can I talk to you for a bit? I” Junmyeon looks up and, in the light of the grey morning, his skin appears sallow “I need to talk to someone.”

Baekhyun still an instant, his mouth slightly open. Junmyeon is always so positive, so optimistic but now. An oversized black hoodie replaces his usually elegant clothes and the brunet wonders what could have happened while he was relaxing in his bubble of happiness. Junmyeon doesn’t deserve to look so deflated.

“Or course, Hyung,” he says without hesitation, “do you want to go to a café?”

“No, I” Junmyeon looks so small. He isn’t much smaller than Baekhyun but right now, with his downcast eyes and trembling lips, he seems minuscule “I’d rather go to your place if it’s not too much to ask, I know we’re not friends, not really, but,” the older blinks twice “no, not outside”.

“Okay, Hyung, it’s okay” Baekhyun grips carefully Junmyeon’s wrist “We’re going to my room. Is that okay for you?”

“Yeah. Thank you, Baekhyun.”

They walk together without exchanging more words, but Baekhyun doesn’t lessen his grip on Junmyeon’s wrist. The older seems thankful for the contact.

***

Once settled in Baekhyun’s room, Junmyeon let his composure slowly fall down, like the end of a play at the theatre when the comedian is no longer required to act for the public. He mussels his hair and sit on the bed, face sour.

“I...” he stops himself, thinking about his words. Like always. Baekhyun and his friends are always so quick to respond to anything, to say what they wish to say at the moment without thinking. But Junmyeon is always careful in his sentence, afraid to say something wrong. Even now, away from prying eyes, he was being careful. “I contacted Luhan.”

Baekhyun decides not to say anything and to sit by the window on a cushion. It was rare for him not to speak – Kyungsoo would be proud – but he knows when someone needs silence.

“After speaking with you,” Junmyeon continues, his hands folded together “I realised I didn’t want to regret anything,” wispy cirrus clouds were creating odd patterns in his room, a shadow slowly making its way to the older student’s face “I wanted to...” he sighs, “I just wanted to speak with my old friend.”A shadow passes on Junmyeon eyes and Baekhyun is not sure if it’s the weather or simply his Hyung’s sadness “Luhan met other people. Of course he would, he’s a real sunshine, people tend to like him easily. But I was always the first he would call if he wanted to hang out or talk to someone or” the shadow moves away but not Junmyeon’s gloominess, “he was my friend, and now I don’t matter anymore. After these two years, I still think and care about him and he just… moved on, without me.”

Baekhyun’s chest tightens at these words and he speaks softly, “What do you mean?”

“I called him. He didn’t recognize the sound of my voice,” his voice drops a little “and that’s okay, I guess, it has been _quite_ some time after all but,” Junmyeon eyes darkens, “after telling him who I was, all he said was ‘oh, I see’” the elder shifts his body towards Baekhyun. “He found new friends and even a fiancé and I just… I’m just a memory for him while he still is my friend.”

The brunet’s stomach churns and it’s not only by empathy for Junmyeon. He puts his own fears at the back of his mind and asks carefully, “Were you… I mean… were the two of you just friends?”

Junmyeon blinks at him “Well of course what do you m-… _oh,_ ” his cheeks flush sightly “hum, no Baekhyun. I do like Luhan but not in a romantic way,” he gives him a small smile,“just the way you like Chanyeol, you know.”

Baekhyun’s face reddens and he turns his head towards the window “Hum, actually” he let his eyes fall on the old joints. He should wash them sometimes “I… I like Chanyeol in a romantic way,” the walls are quite dirty and he is too. He wish he had taken a shower this morning “Hum, sorry.”

He feels gross right now and he doesn’t really know why. His friends know he’s not straight but it’s not the same with Junmyeon. He feels exposed.

“Don’t be sorry for liking someone” Junmyeon’s tone is gentle but also serious “Never.”

Baekhyun gives him a smile “Yeah,” the joins and his shower could wait “but, it’s only me. Chanyeol doesn’t feel the same” Junmyeon hums and Baekhyun adds quickly, “but this conversation is not about me. Hyung, I… I think you were really important to Luhan” the room seems a bit brighter with fewer shadows hoovering over his furniture and even if the sky was still not blue, it was a beginning “but… life just happened”.

Baekhyun’s advice sucks and he wants to hide somewhere but Junmyeon smiles at him “You’re right,” he shift and bring one of his feet on the bed “thank you, Baekhyun.”

“Really, I didn’t say anything helpful. I’m the shittiest when it comes to giving advice.”

“Not for that,” this time, the elder’s smile seems sincere “for listening.”

“Any time, Hyung.”

“You know,” the elder brings his other foot on the bed and set himself more comfortably “I’d plenty of girlfriends in college, but only one friend. Luhan was a constant in my life and I thought… I thought it would last. Because friendship is supposed to be stronger,” after a moment he adds, “at least for me”.

Baekhyun cannot help himself but let out a small amazed noise “Plenty of girlfriends? Hyung, I’m sorry to say this, but you’re not at all why I imagined at first.” 

“You thought I was the perfect student, always working and going to church?” the elder asks, an eyebrow raised in disbelief.

“Not the church, no.”

“Not the church. Okay.”

Baekhyun smiles, “But I prefer you like this. It’s a good surprise.”

“I like to party too… Don’t give me that look, it’s true,” he reciprocates Baekhyun’s smile, “from time to time, it’s enjoyable.”

“Our algebra teacher would be devastated if he learns these facts one day. I can’t wait to tell him.”

They both laugh after that.  
The sky was grey and the benches were damp with yesterday rain, but the room was warm. And if was enough for now.

***

“ _And this is when we understood we were in the wrong train. Jongdae was whining with no end and I think Kyungsoo seriously considered abandoning us_ ” one side of the face of Chanyeol was bathed in the sun, the other hidden in the shadows “ _but we took the express after that and finally arrived in Kyoto. This town is so beautiful_ ” he moves a little on the side, the light on his face changing “ _… do you see me better now?_ ”

Baekhyun smiled fondly at the question. He doesn’t know how to explain it, but seeing Chanyeol’s happiness makes him happy. It’s as simple as that. “Yeah, unfortunately.”

The giant snorts “ _You should feel blessed, my face is the epitome of perfection..._ ”

“Well, with your big ears we could actually debate about this statement...”

“ _Anyway,_ ” the word was emphasised at the end, making Baekhyun cackles, “ _We visited temples, because it’s what you do in Kyoto. That and eat, of course._ ” Chanyeol moves again and goes outside, the light breeze ruffling his mop of hair. The weather seems always good in Japan “ _and we also went to Gion, the Geisha quarter_ ,” he smiles knowingly, “ _and yes Baekhyun, they are as beautiful as you always thought._ ”

The brunet huffs “Still not better than me,” and Chanyeol gives him an unimpressed look, stating his opinion without words “Yah! Park Chanyeol!”

The bright laughter of the other man is distorted by the poor quality of the audio, but Baekhyun saves every bit of it anyway. Happiness suits his best friend. “ _Ah, I miss you so much Baekhyunnie_ ,” Chanyeol eyelids drop a little, his cheeks flush with the windy weather “ _I’m happy here, but it’ll be better with you. I want to share all of this with you_.”

Baekhyun’s heart want to jump in the screen right now or maybe take a plane for all the brunet knows but it’s hammering strongly in his thoracic cage. His best friend will kill him one day.

The brunet thinks about answering with a witty joke, but his heart is faster than him “I miss you too,” he brings his laptop closer “Everyday.”

Chanyeol will return to him in exactly twenty two months and, even if they speak together on Skype three of four times a week, Baekhyun can’t help the emptiness he feels after shutting his computer after every session. He craves for more, more than juts words or stories. He wants to hear them while playing with the giant’s fingers, he wants to be caged in Chanyeol’s arms when he shows him pictures, his broad chest warm against the brunet sweater.

He wants more and it’s only the beginning.

“Except maybe at the library. For once, the old assistant is not sending me awful glares and I can actually study without your loud voice and stupid jokes.”

“ _Baek,_ ” the smaller looks up, the giant giving him a warm smile, “ _It’ll be okay._ ”

Baekhyun’s throat is too tight and let his eyes fall on his keyboard “Yeah.”

It will be okay. It has to be. 

They speak a little longer before Chanyeol has to prepare for a party (“ _We don’t use the term sunbae here, but senpai. For once, the anime were right!_ ”) and Baekhyun waves at him before ending the conversation.

He stares at his black screen, his room feeling empty without the laughter of Chanyeol, distorted or not.

***

Earphones in his ears, the brunet is seated by the window of the train station’s café. His playlist ‘You need to pass this exam’ is on shuffle, the sound loud enough to cover the nattering of some customers in the back but still pleasant enough to actually study.

A half-eaten cake is next to his science book and blue printed notebook, some crumbs laying on the top. He scribbles notes on his page, some paragraphs highlight with yellow marker pen or doodles. Yes, they are effective too.

His phone buzzes and Baekhyun checks the time. Already past four, hum. He finishes his last line before unlocking his screen. Everybody knows the code of his phone too but he keeps it anyway, out of habits.

_From Kyungsoo:  
While I’m very happy you speak to Chanyeol, can you accord us a little of your time too, you ungrateful brat?_

Baekhyun rolls his eyes. Kyungsoo is younger than him and he had seen them three days ago on Skype, his two annoying friends joining his and Chanyeol’s conversation.

_To Kyungsoo:  
I thought you were too busy hanging out with geisha in Osaka to speak to me. And Chanyeol is way more pleasant to talk to than you._

Baekhyun takes another bite of his cake and relaxes a little. He didn’t realise his shoulders were this tense.

_From Kyungsoo:  
For the last fucking time, the geisha are in Kyoto. And yeah, sure, pleasant for his conversation. Chanyeol. The big thing with lanky legs and amazing torso pleasant for his conversation. Sure._

Promptly pushing aside his notebook, Baekhyun almost spit out the cake he was munching on. He coughs a little before looking around him: zone safe. Nobody witnessed his little embarrassing moment. Nobody except the little girl a few tables away from him, a knowing smirk on her pink lips. Baekhyun grumbles a little.  
Of course Kyungsoo would know his feelings for Chanyeol. Of course. Jongdae too, probably, even if the brunet never really voiced it openly. They were his friends after all… even if sometimes, like now, Baekhyun has a strong urge to strangle them.

_To Kyungsoo:  
Like I said, he is way more pleasant to talk to than you. And to look at too._

The following message is almost instantaneous.

_From Kyungsoo:  
Say that to my face once._

_To Kyungsoo:  
No, thank you, I like being alive._

_From Kyungsoo:  
Good, at least you remembered who you were talking to. The other two seem to forget it a bit too often._

Baekhyun smiles a little. His friend is all words and threats while he is the biggest softy in their group after Chanyeol. And that says a lot.

_To Kyungsoo:  
Is this your twisted way of telling you’re missing me? Moooooooh, you’re cute._

_From Kyungsoo:  
You’re dead._

_To Kyungsoo:  
You wish. Unfortunately for you, I’m way too far for your reach._

_From Kyungsoo:  
For now. What if you come to Japan?_

Baekhyun bites on his lips. He considers it many times every week. Per day, if he is totally honest. But he is in college and there is no way he can afford a plane ticket to Japan just like that. He cannot miss school either. And even if it’s a torture to type back these words to Kyungsoo, Baekhyun knows it’s the only answer. The only mature and adult answer.

_To Kyungsoo:  
You know I can’t afford it. I would. You know freaking well I would come if I could._

_From Kyungsoo:  
Since when are you a reasonable adult? Did you eat vegetables instead of chips by accident? Are you sick? Because the last time I checked, my friend Byun Baekhyun didn’t use words like “I can’t afford it”. No, my friend, stupid as he is, always did his best to transform the “I can’t” in “I can” and the “I would” in “I will.”_

The brunet read the text one more time, his face twisted between a smile and a grimace. He knows how he was – how he is – but since the departure of his friends, he cannot be as blunt or childish anymore. He has to take care of himself now, to think about his future, to save money for next year of university, to take notes because Kyungsoo is not here, to cook because Chanyeol is not here, to be an adult because nobody is here anymore to hold his hand. He didn’t want to grow up, but in two months he realises, he did. He is not as bright anymore.

He is not as bright anymore but it’s not a real loss. Not really. It was a necessary step for him to stay afloat without his friends. Baekhyun will be okay and hold on to what’s left of his bubbly personality. He will save enough of it for Chanyeol’s return at least and, even if this decision is killing him, he knows he _cannot_ go to Japan. He does not have the time nor the money.

He is tapping this to Kyungsoo when he wonders who he is really trying to persuade: Kyungsoo or himself?

But before he can send his response, his friend already answered him with a picture of them in high school, stupid smiles and snow on their faces.

Fuck it. Fuck all of this.

The brunet goes in his contact list and after a few rings, a familiar voice answers and Baekhyun smiles.

“Hello Mrs. Kwong, I was wondering if you are in need of an assistant in your shop?”


	2. Chapter 2

The wind is tapping strange, shuddery and really powerful beats on the bakery windows, the heavy downpour joining it to scare the customers away. On a Pokemon scale, Baekhyun would say that ‘heavy downpour’ is a really effective attack against customers and his mood in general. 

It’s true that the brunet loves the rain but right now, no. He is trapped inside the little shop with his thoughts and even if Mrs. Kwong is humming an old song under her breath, the hands covered in dough, chopped walnuts and candied fruits waiting to be added to her new batter, Baekhyun is not assuaged by the scene. 

He is feeling restless and being behind the counter with no clients is really not helping. He feels like he is waiting for something to happen. For his life to keep on moving ahead.  
The brunet drums his fingers on the white counter but time stood still, not moving by an inch. His friends are having fun in whatever part of Osaka while he is here. Stuck. Baekhyun is still happy for his friends, but he could not help the nasty and spreading feeling of jealousy twisting his guts like a snake. Cold and dangerous, the sensations choke him awake sometimes at night or keep him frowning during the day. Baekhyun tries – he really _tries_ – to remember that his friends still love him, that they are busy, that it is normal for them to talk about their _oh so wonderful experience_ in Japan while he has nothing to say because he is stuck here, in this little shop, with no fucking customers showing up!

He heaves a sigh. His last conversation with Jongdae may or may not have played a role in his actual mood. His friend mentioned a study group they were a part of and how a “hot Japanese girl named Yukiko” really likes Chanyeol (“ _I don’t know why she seems to like this idiot though, I’m way better. But well, Chanyeol also have the right to get laid uh._ ”) and Baekhyun just feels so… betrayed. He knows it doesn’t mean that his best friend is interested and he knows even better that he has no right to say anything if it’s the case but he… no. That girl does not deserve Chanyeol. His best friend is better off single. Way better. 

Baekhyun knows he sounds petty but he just does not care at this point. Chanyeol is not his to keep but he wants to. He wants it so much. And it hurts to think that he may come to Japan in a few months and find Chanyeol at the arm of some Japanese girl. It hurts to think he would have to smile at this girl, to compliment her on her nice dress and to say how lucky his best friend is to have found a beautiful girlfriend like that. It hurts that Chanyeol would expect this from him _because they are best friends_.

It’s what Baekhyun had done in the past. For all Chanyeol’s girlfriends. All of them.

Even if the last one was in 9th Grade. Baekhyun still isn’t sure _why_ Chanyeol declined every confession after that. He always did it gently, with an apologetic smile on his face and kind eyes. The day he will reject Baekhyun, the brunet wonders if his best friend would wear the same expression or do something different for him. Something more personal. 

He sighs again and searches for the mop since he has nothing to do and cleaning the already pristine floor is the only thing keeping him sane. Almost. Eating cakes also helps a little.

The pouring rain does not seem to want to stop, so are Baekhyun’s dark thoughts, twisting their way inside of him and leaving him cold and ashamed.

***

_From Kyungsoo:_  
 _What do you mean you’re not sure anymore about coming to Japan? Do you want to bleed?_

 _From Kyungsoo:_  
_Answer me Baek, I know you read my messages._

_From Kyungsoo:  
I will tell Chanyeol about that one time you asked for my phone because he was shirtless and yours was dead and you absolutely needed a picture of “our beautiful day together”. Yeah, sure. Pretty sure that his abs were a wonderful way to remember this sunny day of July. Big zoom on the landscape, lots of hills. _

_From Kyungsoo:  
Okay, tell me what’s wrong. I will continue to harass you if you don’t and you know it. I may even begin to send pictures of Jongdae._

Baekhyun grimaces a little. This was a real threat.  
He passes his thumb on the screen, his playlist ‘Tumblr mood’ on shuffle. A lot of Cigarettes After Sex’s songs were in this playlist. He always founds a way to create too many playlist, half of them filled with sad songs and so, Cigarettes After Sex’s songs. Baekhyun sometimes wonders if he would appreciate this band differently if Chanyeol was in love with him. If he would hear the love message in the lyrics instead of the loneliness of his own heartbeat.

_To Kyungsoo:  
I’ll send you pictures of Mrs. Kwong’s pastries if you do that. _

As much as his friends loved Japan, the brunet knows very well how much they miss local food and silly things from their home town. Baekhyun just hopes to be one of them.

_From Kyungsoo:  
Whoa, I feel blessed, you’re finally answering my texts. Now, you can answer my question too: why do you want to change your mind about Japan?_

His friend didn’t use ‘why did you change’ but ‘why do you want to change’ like Baekhyun had not made his decision yet. Like he was still debating. And if the brunet was totally honest with himself, Kyungsoo was right. Baekhyun had been wondering for some days what he really wants to do.

The brunet also remembers his conversation with Junmyeon about Luhan, his Chinese friend. Even if the discussion wasn’t about him, he couldn’t help thinking about his own friendship with Chanyeol. What if they drift apart because of the distance? What if Chanyeol decides to live in Japan forever? What if this Yukiko wins him over? What if Chanyeol doesn’t need Baekhyun anymore? What if-

_From Kyungsoo:  
By the way, I had a little conversation with Jongdae, and if you are not coming because of the assumptions of this idiot, I’m not only killing him, I’m killing you too._

The next song in Baekhyun’s ears is not one of Cigarettes After Sex. He doesn’t know why he is disappointed.

_To Kyungsoo:  
What do you mean?_

_From Kyungsoo:  
Omg, I was so SURE it was because of this. I’m killing BOTH OF YOU I SWEAR TO GOD. Baek, Chanyeol has no interest in anyone. Not in Yukiko, not in some other hot girl, not even in Pikachu. This stupid best friend of yours in still single as ever. Now come over so I can kick your ass._

The snake stuck in his stomach seems to escape through his lips, a heavy sigh parting his lips wide enough to let go of all his fears. Chanyeol is single. His best friend is still single.  
A smile makes his way on Baekhyun’s face and his next reply is way faster than the first.

_To Kyungsoo:  
I want to see the geisha in Osaka first, you can kill me after._

_From Kyungsoo:  
THE GEISHA ARE IN KYOTO YOU UNEDUCATED MORON._

***

At first, the brunet was sure he was one of these people confident enough to constantly know what they want in life. He was always quick to come up with some stupid ideas and do it immediately, pursuing his project until the very end, driven by his guts and motivation. His friends were commonly a bit envious of his ability to make decisions and sticking to them. Even if they were sometimes borderline dangerous.

For Baekhyun, decision-making always went seamlessly, if you think in a straightforward manner, if you set yourself a goal, then you just have to follow the path you’ve decided beforehand.

But when it comes to Chanyeol, the path was not smooth. It was filled with rocks, mountains and even fucking erupting volcanoes. Pretty sure there were broken bridges and Yakuza along the way too. 

In the space of three weeks, Baekhyun changed his mind about Japan a million times, sometimes four times in the same hour. He was never like this before, never.

He was the funny, confident and smiley Byun Baekhyun, even if these days, he had to repeat this sentence to himself a bit too often. Of course, he was writing to his friends daily and Skyping with Chanyeol every week, so he wasn’t lonely. But he couldn’t speak his mind to them. He couldn’t voice his concerns and doubts to a screen or in a message. It’s too personal and too… fucked up.

Even Junmyeon, who was now a friend – sort of –, was still not close enough for him. His Hyung wouldn’t understand his struggle, wouldn’t understand why Baekhyun was stressing himself over _not being himself._

Not making a decision right away was weird for him. It was Un-Baekhyun like.

Going to Japan or not was like a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question. It was easy. No grey, no dissertation, no in between.

It was easy.

But not for Baekhyun.

***

Kyungsoo is so done with Baekhyun and his mood that he no longer bothers to hide it.

“ _Let me resume, you perfectly know that Chanyeol is single, that you now have the money for a ticket, but you’re still not sure about coming to Japan?_ ”

Phrased like that Baekhyun knows that he makes no sense. He has the upcoming winter holidays soon, so he has time, money and a single best friend. But he also has doubts. 

“It’s just… it has been four months now. Does… does Chanyeol even miss me?”He cringes at his own question, conscious of the stupidity of it, of how whipped he sounds. He does not even know when he started to speak about his feelings for the giant so openly to Kyungsoo. He never intended to.

The black-haired man gives him a _look_ , the pixel quality of his face way too good for Baekhyun’s liking. Skype never does a job as well as this when he talks to Chanyeol. 

“ _You know what, I won’t even bother answering you. You don’t deserve it._ ” Baekhyun whines and Kyungsoo shushes him, his pale face seeming more alive under the afternoon sun “ _No, really Baek, you have no idea of how much Chanyeol misses you. Even I was surprised._ ” Kyungsoo frowns a little, giving him a grumpy look like an old man yet endearing in some way, “ _You should not doubt like that, it’s not like you._ ” 

The brunet casts his eyes away, Kyungsoo hitting a little too close to home. The more time he spends by himself here without his friends, the more insecure he becomes.

“I know, it’s just… difficult sometimes...” he trails off, his voice uneven. This is new too. “It’s difficult to be apart.” 

Kyungsoo has an answer on the tip of his tongue but he doesn’t voice it. Baekhyun gets it anyway, the giant eyes screaming _it’s up to you dumbass_. 

The brunet sighs and moves his computer a little to the right, his screen blaze orange in the midday sun. His skin looks good bathed in this kind of light “I mean, it is now and it will be after I come back.”

The real difficulty is not only leaving Korea. It’s not only the thrill of seeing his friends or found out they might have changed. It’s coming back.

Baekhyun is afraid of not being able to come back to his home town if he found happiness in Japan. Because as much as he loves the path of the university, the little shops of the grand avenue, Mrs. Kwong’s bakery or the small café at the railway station, his real home is composed of three friends. It’s not made of bricks, cement or woods. It’s made of cheers, cuddles and stupid jokes and the main room is Chanyeol's bright laughter, his arms his favourite blanket and his eyes the window he wants to stare at forever. 

He is afraid of not wanting to come back. 

Baekhyun smiles at the screen, letting the afternoon sun smooth his expression “Except from Jongdae, that’s pretty easy,” he folds his arms under his chin, lying on his bed. The cushions are next to his foot but he is too lazy to get them “My ears are blessed with silence and music, no whining.”

Kyungsoo snorts and shakes his head a little “ _Well, yeah, every wonderful experience must have some downsides,_ ” Baekhyun hears a high-pitched shriek coming from his screen and Kyungsoo rolls his eyes “ _See, he is very healthy… unfortunately,_ ” the plush lips of his friend forms a fond smile “ _but yeah, anyway, don’t change the topic_ ”, he points one of his milky fingers at the brunet. Even the sun in Japan cannot totally colour the white canvas that is Kyungsoo’s skin “ _Make a decision Baek, I’m not saying anything to Chanyeol... whatever you may choose._ ”

The older nods, secretly thankful. He had not said a word to Chanyeol about possibly coming to Japan. And he does not plan to.

“Thank you, Soo” he let his right cheek rest on his arms, his peripheral vision a bit blurred “I will decide soon.”

His friend nods before ending the conversation. The brunet smiles to himself. Kyungsoo is trusting him, he is trusting the Baekhyun he knows. The one making decision and sticking with them, whether good or bad.

He will not disappoint him.

***

His finger hovers over the keyboard, his canine sinking in his already abused lower lips. The price of the plane tickets rose while he was doubting and now, even through he wants to buy one, he thinks about the amount of money. This money can be saved for another purpose, something less impulsive like the rent of an apartment or to finance his studies. Baekhyun also wishes to buy this new console he had seen in a magazine.

A man shape shadows his computer screen. Big and warm, the upper body of Junmyeon is clothed in a classy grey coat, a loose emerald scarf around his neck and a gentle expression on his face.

“It’s less expensive than I thought,” the late autumn coat tickles Baekhyun bare arm, making him fidget on his chair to get away from the sensation “I don’t know why you look like someone’s just killed a kitten.”

His Hyung sits in front of him and removes his black gloves – who wears that anyway? Not practical at all when you want to fish for your phone in your pocket and change the music – before hailing one of the waitresses. The older would probably get a tea, like usual. 

“Well, _excuse you_ , we’re not all rich,” the brunet snorts, his foots bumping into Junmyeon’s purposefully “I can’t believe all the money I worked for will end up in this ticket.”

Even if the bakery of Mrs. Kwong is more than pleasant as a customer, being behind the work table is not the same. He has to wake up truly early in the morning to bake pastries and also has to be extra attentive to every detail. Mrs. Kwong is patient with him and her help is enormous but she also knows how to be firm and does not hesitate to make him start again if the result is not perfect. So many cakes were a disaster at first and Baekhyun felt so sorry when he had to get rid of them. He always tries to save baked goods and now he ruins them more often than not.

The young waitress – probably a student too – takes Junmyeon’s command with a polite smile before making her way to the next patron, her high pony tail swinging. His Hyung follows her with an appreciative smile before being caught by Baekhyun’s stare. How interesting.

“Uh...” Junmyeon reddens a little and the brunet wonders how the elder can blush so much every day. Surely, it must be an advantage at some points.

“Well,” Junmyeon clears his throat, pretending not to notice the sly smile on the other lips, “you’re going to buy this ticket anyway, so you’re just hurting yourself right now.”

Baekhyun raises an eyebrow “Hm? How can you be so sure I’m going to buy it?”

“You promised Kyungsoo you will,” the waitress comes back from the front of the store, an earl grey tea on her plate. The older mumbles a word of thanks, face red again, before continuing his sentence “and you’re a man of your word, Baekhyun.”

His name is pronounced with a bit too much seriousness, a bit too much trust and Baekhyun cannot make a witty comeback.  
Although, it’s true. The brunet talked to Kyungsoo two days ago. His decision is made.

He will go to Japan for the winter holidays.

On the screen, the price is mocking him but Baekhyun click on the little icon ‘buy this ticket’ without blinking. It was easier than expected.

“See,” Junmyeon drinks a sip of his hot beverage “no kittens were harmed.”

“Shut up.” Baekhyun smiles softly, his own drink in hand.

_I’m coming._

***

Okay, maybe it was a bad decision after all. Not the worst of his life – no, that was definitely that time he decided to rent a car with Jongdae, this idiot losing the GPS and ending in a hell-hole. They waited five hours before Kyungsoo found them on a map and two more before being rescued. Never again.  
Still, going to Japan is second on the list.

Junmyeon cheered him up at the airport, his encouraging smile and big gestures helping him to calm down. But now, Baekhyun passed the check-in and he is completely alone. Not actually alone because there were _thousands_ of people around him, but still alone. Without friends or even a familiar face to look up at. Not even five minutes after the check-in and the brunet is already lost.  
Why is an airport this complicated? So many gates to find the right airplane or even fucking toilets!

When people travel, nobody talks about the airport part. Everybody speaks about the vacation, the destination or the duration of the flight. But nobody talks about the part before, before entering the actual plane. Nobody talks about the wait and the _fucking_ way to actually find the plane!

Seoul Incheon Airport is a fucking maze and Baekhyun already cursed too many times in his head today but he doesn’t _fucking_ care.

He's waited for weeks before finally going to Japan. Weeks of working at Mrs. Kwong’s bakery, weeks of biting on his nails and weeks apart from his friends. Kyungsoo knows he is coming, but he kept it a secret from Jongdae and Chanyeol. Jongdae for obvious reasons: this dumbass cannot keep a secret with this big mouth of his, no way to trust him. And Chanyeol… well. It’s a surprise and Baekhyun really hopes it will be a good one.  
He tightens his grip on his bag. It will be okay.

Without people walking on it, the white floor must be beautiful to look at, but right now, passengers from yesterday and tomorrow planes were running from one side of the airport to another, some of them stopping to grab a coffee or to shop in tax-free chic boutiques. Baekhyun wonders an instant if someone stood in the middle of this whole mess once and wondered the same thing as him. If someone else dreamt of an infinity of white floors with no one stomping on it. With nobody. 

He shakes his head and resumes his walk. He has a departure gate to find.

Booking the ticket also happened to be an adventure itself. The brunet thought naively that saying to Kyungsoo “Pick me up at Osaka airport” would be enough. But no, life thought this would be way too easy. When his friend asked him, “Which one?” Baekhyun’s face went white as a sheet. He didn’t think about checking this small detail in his emails and yesterday night he passed two hours of scrolling between ads, university emails and Pinterest newsletter before finding the Holy Grail. Never again.

He will be landing in Kansai Airport (“No Baekhyun, it’s not a mistake.” “But I wanted to go to Osaka!” “Kansai is the region name you idiot!”), one of the biggest airports in Japan. Situated on an artificial island, the airport seemed enormous on the picture. The strict parallelism between the two terminals gave a vibe of absolute control on nature, the long and straight line of concrete ready to welcome any plane. Even of his screen, the brunet easily imagined the enormous size of it.

A shaky breath escapes his mouth. It will be okay.

He arrives in front of his departure gate, the number “58” standing proudly besides the Osaka sign.

Just one hour left.

***

Baekhyun wonders one instant if some dark lord decided to play with his head. One second he blinks and the next he is in Japan, the airport in view.

He rubs the tiredness out of his eyes and sits up a little straighter in his seat. The brunet didn’t end up at the window, but the man besides him is sleeping so he cranes his neck to see the white clouds, real marshmallows floating on the never-ending sea underneath him. It’s beautiful, honestly. Baekhyun wishes he had someone with whom he could share this moment. Not even a friend actually, a nice stranger with the same bewilderment as him would be enough. But right now, at his right, there is only an old woman seated next to him reading a book in Chinese. She read at least eight chapters since the last time he overlooked. Well. 

Baekhyun let his eyes falls on the sea. Coming to Japan is a dream, really. He always loved mangas when he was a child and, well, now too if he is totally honest. Moreover, Osaka is a modern metropolis with a lot to see and eat, the perfect place for students who want to have fun and enjoy their youth. Maybe there is a place for him too in this city.

Maybe.

***

The brunet thought his luggage weighed a ton and there is no way it was this heavy three hours ago. Maybe a dark lord was indeed playing with his head.

He pulls his goddamn heavy baggage along and searches for a familiar black-haired man’s face. The thing is, all the people here have _black hair_. At least in his university, a lot of students try different colours: red, blue, blond or even rainbow hair. Their professors often scowl at them, but it’s not like they will change it. Their university adds a fanciful touch to the morn city and Baekhyun wonders one instant how it is for Japan, if people here choose to colour their town or not.

“While looking your dumb-struck expression from afar was fun, I’m hungry now so can you please hurry the fuck up?” 

Baekhyun turns around to see Kyungsoo standing in front of him, a grin plastered on his face. The winter dried his lips up but not the gentleness of his smile, the plush lips curving on the edge. His button nose is sharper in real life and with no stupid pixel to blur his face, some pimples were also apparent on his chin.  
His friend is really in front of him. He is _real_.

“Are you hungry for my body, Soo?” Baekhyun cracks a smile of his own, the heaviness of his luggage forgotten “I know you miss it.”

“Seriously,” Kyungsoo gives him his usual look, “These are the first words you choose to tell me after all these months?”

“Yep,” his friend rolls his eyes at him, his cracked lips parting slightly “I know how much you missed me.”

“Yeah,” Kyungsoo pulls Baekhyun in his chest, earning a surprised yelp from Baekhyun. They were around the same height and the brunet found himself resting his head on the shoulder of Kyungsoo, his usual vanilla shampoo strong in the air. He must have washed his hair this morning. “I missed you, you moron,” the warmth of Kyungsoo is not Chanyeol’s but Baekhyun found comfort in it anyway. “We all missed you.”

Baekhyun tightens his grip on his friend. He is real.

“You’re such a sap,” the brunet says, even through he is the one clinging to Kyungsoo “I knew you were the biggest softy among us,” a pinch on his tummy makes him yelp, “okay, the biggest softy after Chanyeol.”

“Like it’s any better,” Kyungsoo snorts and retreats his arms from Baekhyun’s body “come on, I’m hungry,” he distances himself from the brunet and helps him with one of his bags “and no, not for your body, that’s Chanyeol’s job.” 

This last sentence cut short any tentative of a witty comeback for the brunet. Lately, people truly had a bad habit of cutting his replies short. Either his friends became better at this whole teasing thing or he became old. Probably the second one.

Red cheeks, he mutters under his breath while Kyungsoo offers him a grin. Definitely the second one.

 

*** 

The definition of “I’m hungry” by Kyungsoo is not what Baekhyun expected. He thought they would stop at a small convenience store to buy instant ramen of something, not go directly to the apartment his friend shares with Chanyeol and Jongdae to cook them a gigantic lunch (“It’s more practical this way. With your big luggage, we couldn’t do much.”)

Baekhyun had an insight of some of the rooms via Skype, but the whole place is much nicer in real life. It’s nothing too wild, but it’s clean – thanks to Kyungsoo, he assumes – and modern. In the lounge, he can catch a view of the big window he often saw in the background of his conversations with Chanyeol, the sun always colouring his skin in the gentlest manner.  
He approaches the window to look up. Even in winter, the sky is beautiful here. It’s technically the same as Korea but… at the same time, it’s not.

“Baek, it’s ready,” his friend calls, two bowls of noodles in hand. He settles himself on the floor, legs crossed “I hope you like spicy ramen.”

“Who are you and what have you done to my friend Kyungsoo?” Baekhyun asks, setting himself in front of his friend. The odour of the meal is delicious, the heavy scent of hot peppers actually easing his mind.

“Shut up, I also have the right to rebel from time to time.”

Kyungsoo usually hate to eat on the floor or in the living room. He always insists on eating in the kitchen or at least on a real table (“No, Jongdae, my computer is _not_ a real table!”) for the sake of hygiene. So, Baekhyun has every right to be surprised.

“Did you eat potato chips instead of vegetables? Are you sick?” Kyungsoo gives him a deadpan look, his noodles left hanging a few centimetres from his mouth “Because the last time I checked, it was nearly a crime to eat on the floor.”

His friend settles his chopstick near his bowl and heaves a sigh “Well, I learnt to appreciate it actually,” he searches for his glass of tea and drinks a sip. It’s green tea. “I...” Baekhyun knows from experience that this drink is really bitter but Kyungsoo’s face doesn’t betray anything “I learnt a lot here.”

Baekhyun hums. Of course he wouldn’t be the only one who changed. Even if it’s only a bit, they all had. And they will again.

“By the way,” Kyungsoo settles the glass on the floor “I have classes this afternoon, but don’t worry, you won’t be alone for too long, Chanyeol is coming home by the end of the day.”

The brunet feels like the whole living room was suddenly deprived of oxygen “What?”

This is not good. _Not good at all._  
Baekhyun is still tired of his trip, he is sweaty and most of all: he is not mentally prepared. Kyungsoo cannot drop a bomb like that and expects him to be ready. He took one month to start to talk to Chanyeol again and three more months to actually decides if he would be coming to Japan or not. He cannot see him now. He is still not at peace with his feelings for his best friend.

He is still not sure he will control himself.

Kyungsoo must have seen the distressed look on his face because he adds quietly “Baekhyun...” The brunet looks up at his friend, his plush lips spread in a careful smile “It’ll be okay.”

Baekhyun is almost sick to hear this sentence but it’s the only thing his friends can provide him and truly, they really cannot do better at this stage. He tighten his grip on his own chopstick.

“Yeah.”

***

Even if his trip wasn’t really long, Baekhyun find himself lying on the living room couch shortly after his shower. He needed to think.

A discreet smile appears on his face without his permission. One of his friends would probably say something among the lines, ‘yeah, like it happens in that empty head of yours’. The brunet is thankful that after all these months, he still anticipates the remarks of his friends, still know the way the edge of their mouth curls or the real sound of their voice. He is thankful.

In a supine position, the brunet let his heavy eyes roam the room. Easily, he pictures his friends enjoying a meal together: Jongdae with his mouth full of food picking at Chanyeol’s dinner with his chopsticks, the giant pouting and grumbling with his low voice and Kyungsoo dealing with their shenanigans. The black-haired man probably considered many times strangling the two of them. Baekhyun is actually surprised to see how well the three of them fell into a routine. Kyungsoo didn’t kill any of them. A true miracle.

A light breeze ruffles some paper on the table and Baekhyun should probably close the window – they are in winter after all – but he quite likes the ambiance of the room right now, dim light and blissful silence. He doesn’t even feel the urge to put one of his playlist on play, content with the current atmosphere.

He gets up from his seat to approach the big window. The view itself isn’t something special, the neighbourhood being composed by cemented houses and tall building trying to reach the sky. The night in Osaka would probably be the same as in Seoul, for the few times Baekhyun visited that city.  
No stars were visible in the sky, only a big black screen sometimes filled with clouds. Nothing magical or breathtaking in the sky although it’s a complete different story when it came to the ground. Gigantic shiny ads, big screen with moving idols, rainbow of light and buzzing sounds were a constant in the capital and Baekhyun expects the same from Osaka. He expects the very same. The same empty sky, full stomach and happy friends.  
He wants the same.

The brunet feels his damp hair rising at the base of his neck, the breeze colder now. He sighs and closes the window, the handle difficult to deal with. Right, not the same system as in Korea. The brunet pushes once more before hearing a small ‘click’ and letting a relieved sigh escaped his mouth. When he turns on his heels, however, he is not ready.

His best friend is here, wide-eyed and mouth agape. 

The giant probably had not expected him – and that was completely normal, Baekhyun is supposed to be in a _different_ country – and, judging by his dishevelled look, sweaty hair and lack of shirt, Chanyeol had not expected _anyone._

“Oh my god” Baekhyun covers his eyes. It wasn't the first time he saw his best friend shirtless, but he usually has time to train himself to not appear fazed – or excited – by it. Unfortunately for him, he is really affected in _every way_ right now.

He hears Chanyeol mutters a small “shit” before heading to a different room – his bedroom, probably – and the brunet moves his fingers sightly apart, just to glance at the room where his best-friend disappeared to.

Well, this was unexpected.

He removes his hands completely from his face and approach the room slowly when the giant rushes into him a second after, earning a squeak from Baekhyun. His best friend is wearing one of his old shirts now, the Harry Potter one, with the wizard’s glass on the front and a spell underneath. Baekhyun remembers only too well how many times he clung to this top, creasing the fabric and letting his hot breath mark every part of it. And Chanyeol, being Chanyeol, always let him go with his clingy attitude, all smiles and big crinkling eyes. 

“Sorry,” the giant looks down at him, his wide and gentle eyes confused “but are you real or I’m really _that_ tired?”

The bewilderment of his best-friend would usually make him smirk or roll his eyes, but not right now. Not when the pale light accentuates his usually smooth traits, the shadows playing with the tip of his nose or the lines of his eyes. Not when Chanyeol is so near Baekhyun after all this time. And even less when the heavy breath of his best-friend didn’t actually calm down enough, the intensity of Chanyeol’s work out session still apparent.

“Both, I guess” the brunet replies, his voice just above a whisper. This isn’t good. This is too intimate and Baekhyun must reply with something funny, with a comeback. He is good with them. But not now. “Hi.”

“Hi,” his best friend whisper-scream, because with his loud voice it’s impossible to be discreet, but then again it sends shivers down the brunet’s spine, “I really don’t know what to say or do right now and I’ve a shit ton of questions but…” he closes his arms around Baekhyun. His skin is sweaty and the brunet should be repulsed by the odour but he is not. Goddamn it. “Welcome home, Baekhyunnie.”

Said man bites on his lips and put his arms around Chanyeol’s torso, leaving new marks on his Harry Potter’s T shirt. He will iron it himself if he has too but right now, he just wants to hug his best friend. He just wants to feel him, to feel his body against his. He worked his ass out for this warmth and every puff of breath that Chanyeol leaves in his ear is worth it.  
Soothing fingers find their way on his back, tracing familiar pattern down his spine. Baekhyun feels like crying.

He really has Chanyeol in his arms. He is not on a cold screen, face smoothed over by stupid pixels or voice deformed. He is in front of him, real and warm.

He is home.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?” the giant murmurs, his baritone voice right in the ear of the brunet “I would…” He tightens his grip on Baekhyun, his strong arms enveloping the brunet like a blanket “I would have come to the airport, I would…” He sighs, “I would have done something differently. I’m sorry you had to walk on me half naked and smelly.”

Chanyeol seems to want to pull away but Baekhyun keeps him firmly in place “Don’t,” the giant stops, his large brown eyes searching something in Baekhyun’s “Please, don’t. I-...” The brunet licks his lips “You’re not _that_ smelly.”

A bright and gleeful laugh escapes his way from the giant’s throat, slightly breathy “Well, thank you... I guess” his hand moves to Baekhyun’s nape, his thumb brushing his brown hair “Can’t be worse than that one time when you decided to cook and-”

Baekhyun shushes him with a grumble, “Yah! It was once! And I didn’t know then about that spice!” he furrows his eyebrows at the tall man, trying to look angry. The word ‘trying’ being the key word here because, judging by the wide smile of his best friend, he completely failed. Or he would have, if this toothy smile wasn’t his favourite thing in the world.

“Sure,” the giant makes an attempt at rolling his eyes, but it was done poorly. Done poorly but still attractive in some ways. Baekhyun is so whipped. “Baek,” the brunet glances at the giant, his dark eyes concentrates on him “why didn’t you tell me you were coming?”

“Uh…” His pink lips are parted in some stupid ways – Jongdae pesters him enough about his expression – but he cannot bring himself to do something about it. He doesn’t know if he should talk or close them. He doesn’t know.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m really happy it’s just…” He sighs, “I’m your best-friend, I should have known.”

The giant’s voice is not accusing or whatsoever. It’s gentle, like everything about him, but still firm. Still trying to understand Baekhyun.

“I didn’t want to,” he bites on his lips, searching for his words “I was afraid of… not coming actually. I wasn’t sure.”

“Why not?”

“I…” Baekhyun takes a deep breath. He should have let the window open after all. “You know why,” he let his eyes fall on his best-friend’s lips “You perfectly know why.”

Chanyeol’s smile falters slightly, but not enough to actually fall from his face. He nods and unwraps himself from the brunet, taking with him the warmth and the comforting scent. Baekhyun let his eyes fall to the ground when the baritone voice brings his attention back.

“I don’t think I actually know,” the giant’s stare seems darker than before, but it can be a trick of light, “you never actually told me anything.” The night is out and they should turn on more lamps. They should create a more friendly atmosphere. “You talk so much Baekhyunnie, but you keep the important things from me,” his best friend let his eyes fall on the tall window “So much empty words.”

Baekhyun feels like someone was slowly choking him and he scratches at his neck. Nothing is here. “It’s not important.”

“It is for me,” the giant moves to the couch to retrieves the cover Baekhyun used “I won’t force you into talking to me if you don’t want to but,” he comes back and put the fabric around Baekhyun’s shoulder, wrapping him in his own body warmth “don’t decide on your own what’s not important. As your best friend, I’ve my word to say.”

And then Chanyeol leaves the room to have a shower. Baekhyun is left in the faint light, clinging to the blanket like a lifebelt. It isn’t warm enough.

***

When Kyungsoo was finally back, it was already past seven and Jongdae was trailing along, his high-pitched voice audible in the whole building. His friend had stopped mid sentence when his eyes landed on Baekhyun, a Cheshire grin spreading on his lips. After that, Baekhyun only remembers a crunching weight on him and more happy noises coming from Jongdae’s mouth. He had waited at least thirty seconds before pushing his clingy friend away, already annoyed – but pleasantly so.

An elbow from Kyungsoo brings him back into the conversation, Jongdae happily sharing his day with them. Him and Kyungsoo both brought four large pizzas earlier, including one who looks a lot like his ‘Beach paradise’ he likes to eat in their small town. Topped with smoked salmon, luscious vegetables and mushrooms, the cheese-laden pizza is like his price after this long and eventful day. He can rest now.

“By the way Baek” Jongdae munches on the crust of his slice, stopping his story about a professor hitting on a student “You will sleep in Chanyeol’s room tonight, right?”

Baekhyun cannot rest right now. 

He let his eyes fall on his friend and say, “I will not.” At the same time as Chanyeol answers, “Of course he will.”

The brunet turns to his best friend, sightly annoyed by this whole sitcom-like conversation. He perfectly knows how these kinds of shows end up. The hero would go to the heroine’s room reluctantly, swearing to keep his heart – and _everything else_ – at bay while the scenarist already planned a different outing for them. It was inevitable.  
Baekhyun used to enjoy them in the late afternoon, cuddle against his best friend. He really used to like them but after some time, he was tired of seeing every romance having a happy ending. He wanted something different. At least in Game of Thrones, the concept of ‘happy ending’ was foreign and impossible, even if Chanyeol keeps hoping for one. The naive boy.

But that doesn’t change the fact that Baekhyun doesn’t want to sleep in the same room as Chanyeol. He couldn’t strains the trust built over decades of friendship.“I will sleep on the couch,” he glares at Jongdae an instant before moving his eyes to Chanyeol “it’s comfortable enough.”

“My bed is better,” tomato sauce is smeared on the giant left cheek, but Baekhyun doesn’t say anything, just like Jongdae and Kyungsoo. Friendship in its purest form “I have enough space.”

“See,” Jongdae tries to steal a pepperoni from Kyungsoo’s pizza but the boy slaps his hand away, deathly glare in place “Chanyeol has no problem with it.”

“And what about my answer?” Jongdae recoils in his sit, a sheepish smile on his lips. Kyungsoo finally sighs and continues munching on his slice, “Did you turn deaf just for me?”

“I turn deaf when I hear bullshit.” The high cheekbones of his friend are accentuated by his mischievous grin, apparently proud of his remark.

“Well,” Baekhyun lets his own grin plaster on his face, “you must not hear your own voice very often then.”

Jongdae makes a whale-like noise before Kyungsoo hits him with the cartoon box of the pizza, visibly done with this conversation.

“Baekhyun will sleep in my room,” the giant says, the tomato sauce still present. The contrast between the seriousness of his voice and the silly image he offers would usually make Baekhyun smile, but not now. Not when Chanyeol was being stubborn. “And it’s final,” he eyes the brunet “you don’t have a choice.”

Baekhyun has one actually and his best friend perfectly knows it. If he really doesn’t want to share a room with the giant, he can always sleep on the couch or in room Kyungsoo’s or Jongdae’s. He actually has a choice.

“Okay.”

He decides to let the scenarist have his way.

***

The diner would have ended uneventfully if it wasn’t for Jongdae. His friend accidentally dropped the whole Ice Tea bottle on the table, right in front of Chanyeol. No need to say, his Harry Potter shirt was soaked and the giant just growled a “Jongdae!” before heading to the bathroom. Again.

This is why Chanyeol is still rubbing at his skin with a towel, damp hair falling in his eyes. Baekhyun’s breath hitched.

He doesn’t know why, but his best friend didn’t actually turn on any lamp. The street illumination was their only source of light, almost completely obstruct by the window’s curtains. Baekhyun heaves a sigh and test the mattress under him. He already slept by Chanyeol side more time than he could remember, it will be okay.

His best friend tosses the towel in a corner of the room before lying on the bed. His wet hair had dripped on his new shirt, leaving the red fabric damp. The cream-coloured cushions will probably turn clammy too.

“Chanyeol,” the said man is on his side, face turned in Baekhyun’s direction “this is a really bad idea.”

Instead of answering, the giant makes his way to Baekhyun and grip his arm gently. For a moment, he just eyes him carefully before a grin creeps on his face and Baekhyun find himself being pushed into the mattress, strong arms around his waist. The brunet makes an act of pushing him away while he completely succumbs to this warmth, to this gleeful laugh.

“Shut up Baek,” the giant digs his chin in Baekhyun’s neck, the light stubble grazing his skin “we slept in the same bed before.” His big hands travel lower than expected, Baekhyun feeling his best friend’s fingers on the sensitive skin of his stomach. Oh God. “Hell, I slept with you more often than not.”

The brunet didn’t point out the choice of words but it was at the tip of his tongue. His best friend puts way too much trust in him.

The other hand of Chanyeol catches his own and the brunet closes his eyes. The grip is gentle yet insistent as his best friend carefully slides his fingers between Baekhyun’s, as if to anchor him to this bed, to this moment. He soothes out the nervous fidget in his palms with a swipe of his thumb, gentle and conscientious, before he let their entwined hands fall on the tight ball of sheets, near Baekhyun’s tummy.

“You know why it’s a bad idea now...” The slight press of Chanyeol’s fingers on his stomach was supposed to be relaxing, but Baekhyun let out a shaky breath “When we cuddle,” the fingers drums gently on his skin and the brunet makes his best not to let out a whine, “it’s more than friendship for me”.

“I don’t care,” the languid movement of the fingers on his stomach the only sensation the brunet can focus on as his breath becomes shorter “it’s fine.”

The voice of his best friend is right in his ear, puff of hot air against his sensitive shell. Their legs are tangled together too, Baekhyun right leg between the thighs of the giant. He should withdraw. He should get away. But instead of that, he brings their entwined hands near his chest and place a quick kiss on the top of Chanyeol’s knuckles.

“You should care,” a rich and throaty laugh answers him and Baekhyun presses their hands harder, a frown on his face – through Chanyeol cannot see his expression in the dark “ _Chanyeol_. Stop laughing, I don’t want to do something I’ll regret, I don’t want you to hate me, I-”

“I will never hate you,” the tone is soft-spoken, just a murmur for Baekhyun to hear, “now stop being nosy and sleep.”

The skin of his stomach tinkles after every caress and Baekhyun press his back a little more against the torso of his best friend. Chanyeol doesn’t move away.

“Yeah, no need to be nosy if the only words you’re saying are empty.”

The brunet doesn’t want to be bitter about something like this, but Chanyeol’s words were true and he doesn’t like it. He doesn’t like to be read that easily. That he cannot hide anything from his best friend and it’s terrifying, in some ways.

The fingers stops and retreats to Baekhyun’s hipbones. Slowly, Chanyeol presses his palm down and the brunet’s body lies flat on the mattress, compliant, his best friend almost above him. His hair is a mess and even in the dark, Baekhyun can make out of his smooth face and gentle eyes.

“I’m sorry for what I said earlier,” Chanyeol raises his hand near Baekhyun’s head, fingers curling mid-air. The giant seems to hesitate, his lower lip caught between his teeth. Baekhyun for his part, could only watch and try to regulate his breath, “I...” His best friend let his hand fall and graze delicately Baekhyun’s cheek. His thumb is rough, the hours of guitar hardening his skin but not the finger’s gentleness. Baekhyun shivers. “I shouldn’t have. I’m really sorry Baek.”

The thumb is gone, replaced by nothing but the memory of the sensation, like a delicate ghost. Baekhyun let his eyes capture every trait of his best friend before sliding his arms around the giant’s neck and bringing him close again. It’s maybe the darkness or the longing for the giant, but tonight he feels bold and he doesn’t want to stop. Chanyeol is right here, open and against his body. He is not going anywhere.  
The brunet trails his own fingers along the lines of Chanyeol’s cheekbones, following the edge like a map to lead them in the black mop of hair, clenching on it. Affectionately, he adjusts one strand of wet hair behind his Yoda-like ear. 

“It doesn’t matter,” he breathes deeply: Chanyeol’s shampoo didn’t change. This small and somewhat insignificant fact brings a smile to his lips, “it was true”.

His best friend hums against his neck as Baekhyun lets his hand travel to the giant’s back, right between his shoulder blades. They were intimate before, they had been their whole lives. But tonight still feels like something new. Something more important. 

“This is the moment you’re supposed to say ‘no Baekhyun, I’m still so very sorry’,” he can feel the eyelashes of his best friend tickles his cheek. He had never been this close to anyone before.

“Well,” the voice of the younger is heavy with sleep but not devoid of mirth, “you can actually talk a lot of shit in a day and-” Baekhyun sinks his nails in the red T shirt and Chanyeol let out a growl, “Okay okay, I surrender. Everything you say is true music to my ears.”

“Thank you,” Baekhyun grins and snuggles closer if possible “good night, Yeol.”

If his best friend is surprised by the long-time nickname – not used since high school at least – he doesn’t show it. He just lets his hand fall on Baekhyun’s spine, like it always belonged there.

“Good night, Baek.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well yeah, sorry, no more than cuddles. I pinky swear the hot stuff is in the third (and last) chapter. 
> 
> Again, thank you to M (I know you spend a lot of time on this chapter, I love you <3) and Cheeseballing (I laugh to hard with your corrections XD) for their time.  
> See you~


	3. Chapter 3

“Okay,” Jongdae turns on his heels to face the three of them, his usual smirk in place, “it’s history time morons!”

Baekhyun is wrapped in at least four layers of clothes, including a scarf from Chanyeol. The gold and magenta fabric suits his best friend better, but the giant didn’t want to hear anything (“You didn’t bring enough clothes. Moreover, this is a Gryffindor scarf, you should be honoured.”) Baekhyun snorted. He was sorted in Slytherin on the official website. This is an affront.

The three of them are in front of Osaka Castle, one of the main tourist attractions of the town. The massive central tower is supported by a complex network of moats, turrets, and walls, accentuating the beauty of the place. The white walls come along light green tiles, gold leaf decoration spread on the whole historical building, like petals of a blooming flower.

Baekhyun cranes his neck to observe the roaring golden tiger near the top, his eyes squinting until his vision blurs.

“We have a reconstitution in front of our eyes,” Jongdae has his new smart phone in hand “indeed, the castle was partially destroyed many times, the fault in wars and natural catastrophes,” he looks up to see if they were listening before bringing back his stare on the screen “and yeah, basically the last reconstitution ended in 1997 – oh, that’s recent – and people-”

“Jongdae, shut up and let’s go.” Kyungsoo interrupts, the tip his nose already red.

Baekhyun wonders one instant if the role between his two friends aren’t reversed before shrugging. He also wants to go inside to visit… or more specifically, to be warm. He glances at Chanyeol, the taller’s lower face hidden behind an artful black mask with a smile on it. This painted smile is nothing like the one beneath the fabric, but it still is cute.

They walk towards the main entrance after buying tickets – thanks to Kyungsoo, because Chanyeol and Jongdae’s Japanese levels are a real shame – welcoming the warmth inside. A long queue is awaiting them for the elevator and Jongdae grumbles.

“Why are people so lazy these days!” Kyungsoo glances at him, clearly stating his opinion with this one stare and Jongdae whiny voice turns sheepish “What? It’s true.”

Kyungsoo just sighs while Chanyeol grabs Baekhyun’s inner arm.

“We can take the stairs” the brunet stares at him, clearly nonplussed “What? Are you afraid of losing against me?”

As much as Baekhyun loves his best friend, he will not back down from a challenge.

“As if that did happen in the past,” of course it happened, but right now he just wants to annoy the giant. And it’s working very well, if the slight squinting of his big eyes are any indication “I’m sure you won’t climb these stairs  
faster than me.”

“Guys,” Kyungsoo starts but abandons quickly, the two best friends lost in their own eye battle.

It’s been a long time since he had felt this rush of adrenalin in his veins, his eyes widening and shining with competition. Before, when his feelings for the giant were not, he and Chanyeol could spend days challenging each other. It could have been just sport in the beginning, but after everything became a new game, a new way to spend time together.  
Baekhyun missed this feeling.

“Deal,” Chanyeol detaches himself from the brunet, ready, “you’ll regret this, Baek.”

“At three.”

“Guys…” Kyungsoo tries again, his eyes shifting between them and the other Japanese tourists.

His best friend counts to three and sprints to the stairs, Baekhyun quick on his feet. He can vaguely register Kyungsoo’s voice and Jongdae’s laugh, but none of this matter. Only the strength in his thighs, the rush in his foots and the smile on his lips counts. 

He will win.

***

Baekhyun, to his surprise, actually won. But it’s maybe – just maybe – because Chanyeol lost his balance during/for the last stairs. Baekhyun may or may not have a responsibility in this, no one will ever know.  
They are both panting heavily, Chanyeol’s breath seeming like Darth Vader’s with his black mask on. Cheeks flushed with effort, they will probably catch a cold but for now, they both really don’t care.

“I won,” Baekhyun grins, his hand on his knees. God, he really isn’t in shape anymore “what will you get me? I deserve a treat.”

“As if,” his best friend throws his head back, crinkling eyes and laughter bubbling under his mask “you cheated, you made me trip on the last stairs,” he removes his mask to let appear this lopsided smile of his, a single dimple visible “you should be the one buying me something.”

The brunet wants to poke at it.

Instead, Baekhyun huffs and rearrange the Gryffindor scarf around his neck. He is not cold right now after climbing all these stairs, but he clings to the fabric anyway. Wearing the enemy colours isn’t that bad.  
Not many people ventured outside and Baekhyun finally felt a strange sense of peace as he sets his eyes on the view below. The park clashes with the urbanised city, Osaka Dome enormous next to the almost naked trees, dead leaves at their foot. Among the white buildings, a mirror-like skyscraper was towering over everything else, reflecting the sky and the city.  
Chanyeol puts his hand on the railing, the wind ruffling his hair and licking his red cheeks.

He is beautiful.

Baekhyun hides his face in the scarf. Jongdae and Kyungsoo should be here by now, but they probably chose to stay inside. There is a lot to see too, a whole museum but Baekhyun really doesn’t care for old paper, stones or famous historical figures. He wants to live in the present, to see and feels real and raw emotions.

“You know,” Chanyeol begins, his voice strangely calm after the effort , “we were always together for as long as I remember but,” his eyes are focused on the scenery even if Baekhyun isn’t sure he is actually looking at it, “it’s when we were apart that I truly realised how much you meant to me.”

The brunet closes his eyes an instant to silently absorb this information without having a heart attack. He should focus on the wind in his ears, the coldness of the handrail, the warmth of the scarf. Not Chanyeol’s words.

“You know, I never wanted to build sheet castles with anyone else,” he turns his head, a peaceful expression set on his face, “and I don’t think I ever will.”

Baekhyun’s heart might have dived into the emptiness for all he knows but he tries to play it cool anyway. 

“Normal, who would participate with you except me?” he asks, the beginning of a grin at the corner of his mouth “You’re an awful partner to build castles with. They always fall down or are poorly done. A real disaster.”

Chanyeol’s answer is a bright laugh and maybe, just maybe, Baekhyun’s feelings for the man are growing a bit more.

***

After the visit of Osaka Castle, the four of them decided to head to Dōtonbori, a quarter famous for its numerous domestic and international restaurants. From traditional Japanese dishes to Starbucks, the quarter is always packed with people, all of them searching to appease their appetite (“There is a proverb in this city about food: Dress into ruin in Kyoto, eat into ruin in Osaka.” Jongdae said, the mouth full of junk food they had picked up along the way “I guess this city is made for me.”)

They passed a restaurant with an enormous blowing fish lantern (“This is so cool! This one!” “No Baekhyun, it’s expensive as fuck, come here!” “But it’s a whale!” “Chanyeol, come get your child please.”) And choose a smaller restaurant, with an old lady attacking them with a high-pitched “ _irashaimaseeeee_ ”, the traditional Japanese word of welcome.

They all choose different dishes, Baekhyun trusting his friend for his order. He only recognizes some Japanese characters on the menu, and that’s only thanks to some mangas he read online. Only intelligent plot and remarkably well written mangas, of course. 

“So,” Kyungsoo stares at them, a writing pad in his hands, “what do you exactly do you want to visit, Baek? You’re with us for roughly three weeks, so you won’t have the time to see everything but...”

Baekhyun downcasts his eyes on the menu. He already chose everything, but it’s his only alternative. He would have to look at his friends in the eyes otherwise.  
He perfectly knows he only has three weeks with his friends. With Chanyeol. He doesn’t want to be reminded of this fact this early. He doesn’t want to be reminded at all.

“The geisha,” he forces a smile on his lips, “and some good bookshops.”

Jongdae gives him a knowing smirk while Kyungsoo mutters under his breath, something along the lines of already told this idiot the geisha are in Kyoto.

“Well, we can show him,” Chanyeol begins, “We all have classes on Monday, but I’m free Tuesday so we can go to Kyoto. It’s not even an hour away in express.” 

“Hum,” Jongdae makes a face and scratches his chin with his forefinger “actually, I have a date this day,” they all give him a look and he rapidly adds, “no, it’s not a hook up, it’s this girl from my Japanese class and… well.”

“I have classes,” Kyungsoo sighs, but not without giving a pointed look to Jongdae, “so I have a real reason for not coming.”

Jongdae ignores their black-haired friend and takes a sip from his green tea cup. They really all like this drink now.

“Well, I’ll show Baek around the town then,”Chanyeol decides to rest one hand on Baekhyun’s knee and the brunet stiffens. The hand smooth his nerves through the fabric of the jeans and Baekhyun sighs a little “it’s not like I really need the both of you. Jongdae got us lost last time.”

“I beg your pardon?” the accused man replies, “you’re the one saying ‘oh, it’s this train!’ just because it had Pikachu on it!” 

“It was a very good reason,” the giant smiles, not ashamed at all. His fingers started drumming on his thighs and Baekhyun prays all the gods in Japan for not falling from the contact, “and you agreed with me.”

Jongdae snorts a _whatever_ while the waitress arrives with their order.  
They eat, chattering about Japan and their life in Korea. Baekhyun relaxes after a while, the hand of his best friend never leaving his knee.

***

“What if” Baekhyun paces the living room back and forth, nibbling on his already bruised lips. Damn winter “what if I confess to him and he is disgusted by me or worse,” he turns on his heels to face Kyungsoo, his friend comfortably sitting in the couch, a novel laying on his thighs “what if he never wants to talk me again?”

Kyungsoo growls and set his book aside, his head thrown back on the couch backrest, face turned upward. Baekhyun barged in a few minutes ago, stressed about his date – no, not a date, just a visit of a town – with his best friend. He doesn’t know why but the realisation of having to spend a whole day with Chanyeol alone only hit him a few hours ago. And now, he is freaking out.

“Kyungsoo, you don’t understand,” he makes his way to the black-haired man, almost jumping on him, worry written all over his face “I’m not the same. I mean, of course I am but,” he bites on his lips and deflates a little “I’m not sure I’m the same Baekhyun he built sheets castles with.”

They started this game when they were young and when it was innocent. Now, Baekhyun tainted these memories and this game. He tainted every touch and every smile.

“Really,” Kyungsoo heaves a sigh “I’m so sick of both of you,” Baekhyun starts to whine but Kyungsoo shushes him immediately. He has practice with that, thanks to Jongdae “do you even hear yourself? You’re afraid of… what? To have changed because of your feelings? Because you were left on you own for four months?” he pushes Baekhyun a little to makes space for his foots on the couch “to not have the same way of building a fucking sheets castle anymore? Come on. You’re both adults now. Of course you’ve changed. But it’s not necessarily bad.” 

The apartment is calm without the other two, giving him time to think. Sleeping in the same bed as Chanyeol last night was not as difficult as the first time, but Baekhyun still clung to his best friend like a baby koala. Only two nights and he is already intoxicated.

“I know,” he brings his knees close to his chest, his chin resting on them “but… I still wonder if he’ll be okay to be around me if I confess,” or if Chanyeol will give him an apologetic smile and turns around. If Baekhyun will become like these rejected girls. “I just don’t want to lose him.”

“At the risk of repeating myself, I’m sick of both of you,” Kyungsoo shakes his head a little “he is your best friend. Your fucking best friend. He knows you better than anyone and really, you should know him better than that too,” he nudges the brunet with his feet “I can’t believe you think you’re alone in this.”

“What do you mean?”

“Nothing,” his friend sighs “nothing, you moron.”

***

 

Baekhyun wonders about the Gion Quarter where people can catch a sight of geisha, he wonders about the Kinkaku-ji: the Golden Pavilion and, of course, he wonders about the numerous temples and small quarters he could discover by getting lost in the city.

Yet, a scratchy throat and a throbbing pain in his head make him roll over and growls. He fucking knew that climbing all these stairs was a bad idea.

“Shit,” the giant growls, his morning voice even deeper than usual “I think I’m sick.”

“Yeah, me too.” Baekhyun rolls over again to face Chanyeol, face flush with fever “I think we’re going to visit your bedroom today.”

“Hum,” Chanyeol press their forehead together, skin hot and sticky “yeah, sounds like a plan.”

The eyelashes or his best friend are thick and gently curved in the morning sun, Baekhyun finding himself tracing the shape of Chanyeol’s eyes with his own. The giant breath is warm yet prickling, and only then does Baekhyun realize how close they are.

“Morning breath, Chanyeol,” he says weakly. A really poor excuse but he cannot bring himself to back away. And it’s not only because he is sick.

His best friend grumbles but doesn’t let go of the brunet “Like yours is any better,” he wraps his arms around Baekhyun’s body and tucks his chin on the brown hair an instant before changing his mind. Slowly, he lowers himself and, after a brief moment of hesitation, settle his lips against Baekhyun’s forehead. The brunet’s heart speed up at the contact, his whole face flamed red. He is going to die. “I don’t know what you had for dinner yesterday but. . .”

“Yah!” Baekhyun’s voice almost break halfway and he coughs a little, forgetting about the lips against his skin. He is definitely sick. “We all ate the same thing and I’m pretty sure your breath is worse than mine and—”

The brunet can feel the vibration of Chanyeol’s laughter against his forehead, the scar of his chapped lips and the hot puff of air. Baekhyun closes his eyes an instant to forget how much he wants these lips on his own, sick or not. Through, the press of the gentle mouth won’t let him.

A tap on his nose brings him back to reality as he berates himself to open his eyes a little. Just a little.

“Baek, don’t fall asleep again,” the giant mumbles against his skin, “it’s not because we’re sick we cannot do anything today.”

“I’m not leaving this bed. Or you.”

He imagines very well his best friend rolling his eyes at him and snuggles closer. They are both sick anyway.

“Well, we can still do something without having to move from this bedroom,” Baekhyun tilts his head, Chanyeol smiling sweetly at him, “what about building a castle?”

***

They actually had to leave the bedroom to cook some rice and stew, the hot soup warming Baekhyun’s body in the most relaxing way. Chanyeol also retrieved some blankets and cushions from their friends bedrooms, a wicked smile on his face (“They are going to kill us, but whatever.”)

They were back in the bedroom, white sheets spread everywhere. Baekhyun solidified the foundation of their castle with fluffy pillows, the mass of fabric being like a puff of air against his skin, true gentle clouds.  
His best friend was in charge of the upper part of their new home, his gigantic height helpful in this situation. Concentrated frown on his face, Chanyeol actually did a good job for once, the blanket spread well and solid when he pulled at them.

The brunet smiles lazily, already tucked in their opalescent home. It’s just so childish, but so them. He didn’t expect to do something like this when he woke up this morning, head throbbing and painful throat. He didn’t expect this idea from Chanyeol. He didn’t expect Chanyeol at all anyway.

His best friend finally joins him on the cushion-covered floor, his lanky legs taking half of the place. He is wearing a blue short and an Iron Man shirt—such a geek, seriously—, his whole outfit emphasized against the white of their walls.

“I brought you a hot cocoa,” he stretches his arm a little to place the black mug in the brunet’s hand, steam warming the tip of his fingers “with a lot of sugar in it.”

“Thank you,” he let his hands adjust at the hotness of the mug, a smile on his face. He doesn’t even have to speak anymore, Chanyeol knowing him like his own pocket.

“Oh and,” the giant turns around to bring his computer inside, an external battery on the other hand “I thought we could watch some shows. Just like, you know, when we were in Korea,” he let his eyes fall on Baekhyun, seeming to search something on his face, an answer or approval, “I know we have changed and, well, we will change again, but we are the same deep inside . . . right?”

The tone of his best friend is careful, voice as slim as their white walls. Baekhyun sucks a breath, not sure of what Chanyeol exactly means, of what his best friend actually wants.

“I mean, we can go forward together without forgetting the past,” Chanyeol ignores Baekhyun’s personal space, like always, and leans closer “I’m shit with words but. . . I just want to be with you. The past you, the actual you and the future you.”

This is not what Baekhyun calls “being shit with words”, this is a personal attack against his sanity.

“You cannot say things like that, you. . .” Baekhyun closes his eyes and tries to concentrate on the warmth in his hand and not the breath against his cheeks “Chanyeol, I know you mean well, but you cannot tell me things like that when you know perfectly. . .” The brunet stops himself mid-sentence, lips caught between his teeth.

“I don’t know,” he whisper-screams against his face, “you never told me anything.”

“And I don’t intend to.”

If he confesses, if he really confess, there will be no turning back. Baekhyun won’t be able to go back to just being friends. Not any more.  

So Baekhyun recoils as usual, hiding behind his knees and hot mug of cocoa.

His best friend sighs and retreats a little, giving Baekhyun some needed space. He has a frown on his face, his mouth twitching in some weird way. It’s not an expression he often sees. Not on his always gentle, happy best face. He is disappointed with Baekhyun, he can tell. But at the same time, the brunet wants to protect their bond. Heedless of what he really wants, it’s what he really can have: Chanyeol’s friendship. Nothing more.  

“Well, as you wish.”

He turns on his computer, selecting the first season of Game of Thrones. Baekhyun’s mood shift slightly, just enough to be interested.

“The first season?”

“Yeah,” his best friend smiles, “I thought we can watch the whole thing again.”

“They were so young and so . . . alive.” He can feel his best friend shifts and bring him closer again, his previous frowning face already forgotten.

“Let’s start.”

***

They watched six episodes in a row, eyes now heavy with sleep and a scratchy throat for Baekhyun. He doesn’t really know how, but he is now in Chanyeol’s laps, his hands hanging loosely around his now tanned neck, fingers curling time to time in the black hair.

“I can’t believe I didn’t remember this scene,” he coughs a little, Chanyeol hand on his back soothing him, “Jaime was such a dick back then.”

His best friend only hums, hiding his face in Baekhyun’s crook at the next scene. Baekhyun is so worn out now, so relaxed that he cannot bring himself to actually care and he just . . . tends his neck. He wants to feel his best friend’s skin against his, the advanced afternoon helping him to loosen up.

“You,” Chanyeol starts, mumbling against him “you always say you won’t tell me anything but,” he turns Baekhyun around, their eyes meeting “your actions are louder than your words.”

Baekhyun freezes, his mouth left hanging. No, Chanyeol cannot bring this topic back, not when he clearly said he doesn’t want to talk about it a few hours ago. Not when watching shows together is so normal, so . . . like in the past.

He wants to pull away but his best friend keeps him firmly in place.

“I want to ask you something,” Baekhyun has to swallow the nervousness in his throat to meet the giant’s eyes again. He cannot do this. He cannot lose Chanyeol. “Why do you think I share the band _Cigarettes After Sex_ with you?” 

Taken aback, Baekhyun just blinks.

“Because they have a weird name and you like weird things?”

“True but,” Chanyeol bites on his lips and seems to ponder what to say “you know what,” he brings the laptop closer and press pause, “Let’s put a song.”

Baekhyun’s heartbeat speeds up for some reason, remembering only too well how much he wanted to listen to this band with a lover. The perfect candidate being in front of him.

The giant stand up as the first song starts playing and Baekhyun’s mind froze. It’s _Each time you fall in love_.

Chanyeol lend him a hand to stand up “Come on, dance with me.” 

“I’m not quite sure I want you to step on my foot,” he takes the outstretched hand, curling his dainty finger around it “I’m already feeling like shit today.”

Chanyeol rolls his eyes—yet again, it’s done in some strange way—and bring their bodies closer “I would let you know, I’m an amazing dancer. . .” Baekhyun raises an eyebrow at him, knowing very well how much of a catastrophe his best friend can be in a party. He broke a table once while jumping around with the beat of the music “or at least, I am in video games”. He finishes, making the brunet cackles and finally breaks the barriers between them.

The languid song brings him closer to his dance partner, the sound of a guitar soothing his nerves and doubts. He puts his hands on his best friend’s chest, frowning a little, “Wait, are you expecting me to take the girl’s position?”

“Well,” Chanyeol grins, “you’re shorter.”

“That’s a really stupid reason,” he huffs, his forefinger pointed to Chanyeol’s chest “if I put heels on I’m pretty sure we’ll be the same height and—” Chanyeol restrained smile and crinkling eyes makes him realise his words and he grumbles a “yeah, whatever.”

“Good.”

Baekhyun shakes his head. It’s just a slow. It’s just them.  
He carefully puts his hand atop the taller’s shoulder, barely touching him. He touches his best friend all the time, but this moment seems different. At least, for him.  
A hand makes his way on his back as Chanyeol brings him closer, his brown eyes never leaving his. The gentle eyes are carefully set, prudent, yet a teasing glint swims underneath to brighten his entire face. Baekhyun pouts.

“What?”

“Nothing,” he reaches for the milky wrist with his other hand, admiring an instant the difference between their fingers, Chanyeol’s being thicker “you make a wonderful partner,” he smirks and intertwines their digits together.

“Why do I feel some sarcasm here,” he shifts his feet ever so sightly to nudge his partner’s calves, “like you could talk. . .”

Slowly, they lost themselves in the music, talking less and less. The white sheets above their heads are like a wide spread cocoon, protecting them from the light and harsh world. Even if Japan is definitely not harsh. It’s sweet, very sweet. Baekhyun’s lips curled upward for some reason, his nose pressed in the fabric of the Iron Man shirt, content. His best friend hums, his hand now running up and down the brunet’s spine as they dance. Step by step, Baekhyun let himself fall for the fingers at his back, scratching and caressing every fibre of his now crumpled shirt.

“I shared the band with you for a reason,” the deep voice is right in his ear, quiet enough not to disturb the singer voice but also close enough to send shivers down Baekhyun’s spine. The giant’s hand can probably feel them too “and. . .” He let his hands slowly retreats to the brunet shoulders before catching his cheeks with both hands, dark-brown eyes staring at him with a rare shyness. Baekhyun’s heart feels heavy, hammering against his ribcage in a futile attempt to escape “the thing is, we always think we have time but we don’t”, Chanyeol bites on his lips “Baek. . .”

Chanyeol’s rambling doesn’t make any sense and most of people would already be tired by this, but not Baekhyun. Never. The giant becomes a mess with his words only when he is confused, when he feels exposed. And this kind of sign is intimate, it’s precious and it’s all for Baekhyun. His heart swells with affection, his own stare lost in the gentle eyes.

“Because you can’t express how you feel,” Baekhyun almost hiccups when Chanyeol’s eyes blow wide, the breath shy away from his lips “you found a song that can. A band that can.” Baekhyun closes his eyes “I love you Chanyeol,” he bites on his lips “I’m so sorry. . .”

“Why are you sorry for?”

“It’s . . . my fault,” Chanyeol’s scent is stronger after a whole afternoon of cuddling, heavy in the air “my fault if our friendship is no longer how it’s supposed to be.” He keeps his eyes resolutely close, afraid of what he might find in the big eyes “My feelings got in the way.”

“You didn’t listen to the songs at all,” Baekhyun opens his eyes when he feels Chanyeol’s thumb caressing his cheekbone “Baek, I was waiting for your answer.”

“What do you mean?”

The warm hand cradles his face with attention, Chanyeol’s breathing sightly uneven “Is this the moment I’m supposed to kiss you to shut you up?” the brunet’s mouth hangs open, his lower lips touching the giant’s palm “Because I really don’t want to force this on you and,” his best friend shy smile turns a little more confident “it turns out you’re already silent”.

Baekhyun cannot think straight. He missed an episode. A whole season. This cannot be happening.

He flutters his eyes but Chanyeol is still here, a breath away and a smile on his lips.

“No, I’m not, I’m always talkative.” He doesn’t know from where the strength comes, but Baekhyun feels like flying. Chanyeol didn’t reject him like all these girls and maybe, just maybe, the giant might as well feel something for him.

Baekhyun lays his hand on the giant’s with a strange tentativeness, this whole situation straight out of his dreams. They even have the white castle.

“You totally should shut me up right now, because if you don’t I’ll keep talking.”

“I like hearing you talk,” Baekhyun frowns, his lips naturally forming in a pout “it’s nice.”

“Chanyeol, for fuck sake, I waited my whole life for this and you y—”

The giant chuckles before closing the distance between their lips, the brunet melting in the exchange. Chanyeol’s lips are far from being soft. They are chapped by the wind, the cold and probably the sickness. But they are all he wished for years.

A shaky breath escapes his best friend’s mouth but his grip on Baekhyun is confident, his palm caging his face in the most protective way. The brunet always looks after himself, not liking to depend on other except Chanyeol. He was always weak for his touch, his attention and now, he got all of this and more. He sucks in a breath through his best friend’s lips and press harder, his whole body pulsing with want.  
Maybe they should slow down, maybe they should wait. Baekhyun only has been in Japan for three days and everything, every touch was feeling like too much but also not enough. Chanyeol sucked at his upper lips and Baekhyun feels his whole body tremble. Fuck all of this, they knew each other since forever. They had enough waiting.

The fault in Baekhyun but also Chanyeol. The both of them real confused idiots.

His best friend is still cradling his face, but his fingertips gradually still as his mouth moves to press feather-like kiss over his upper lips, right on his tiny mole. Baekhyun shudders again, his whole body aching at the tenderness.

“I waited too,” he presses another kiss on the tip of his nose “I wasn’t sure of what you truly wanted from me: a friend or a lover,” he strokes the now red cheek with his thumb, fond smile on his lips, “but I’m happy with this outcome.”

Baekhyun claims the cracked lips again, his own hands now lost in the Iron Man shirt. He wants to taste it, all of it, again and again.  
Their kiss is languid and slow, just like the background music, helping them to ease in each other arms. Baekhyun feels one of hand leaving his cheek to rest on his nape and push, Chanyeol’s eagerness surprising both of them. The giant blinks an instant, confused, before Baekhyun send him a lazy smile to bring their mouth together in an open-mouthed kiss, the other’s tongue sliding into his mouth.

He must taste like cocoa and, judging by his best friend’s behaviour, it’s not too bad. And knowing him, the giant, he could have tasted like fermented cheese, their first kiss would have still been perfect.

Baekhyun smiles and clenches at the shirt harder, pushing himself backwards, his best friend following his movement. It’s addictive somehow, the way Chanyeol adapts his body, shift his hands, just like Baekhyun’s well-being is the most precious thing in the world for him. The brunet doesn’t really know why he didn’t understand before, why he thought he was the only one crossing the line of friendship while they have been running together for all this time. They crossed it together, smiles on their face, the calm music acclaiming them.

He lands on the pillows covered floor, his eyes locked in the ones above him. Chanyeol’s breath is a little bit laboured, lips swelled red after their exchange.

“Baek. . .” the giant finds the edge of his shirt, hesitation in his eyes “is. . .” he fumbles with the fabric, a part of Baekhyun’s white skin now exposed, “is this okay?”

The soft voice wants to make him whimper “Yes,” he takes his shirt in hands, breathing deeply, before throwing it aside, eyes never leaving Chanyeol’s “you can . . . you don’t need to ask”.

His best friend already saw him countless time shirtless: when they were young, when they went to the pool with the class, when they were at the beach in high school. Nevertheless, the gentle eyes are filled with something new, something akin to amazement. Baekhyun blushes hard, his whole body heaving with strained breath, anticipation killing him.

“You know,” the big hand lands flat on his torso, earning a light gasp from the brunet “I swore to myself that I would let you choose,” the giant presses harder in his ribs, fingers now possessive “that you’ll be the one to decide if you prefer us as friends or lovers,” he straddles Baekhyun, both his hands on him now, tickling him in the most delicious way “but I’m so fucking glad I’m doing this.”

“Well,” Baekhyun breaks a smile and brings the giant closer to him, his arms sliding around the wide shoulders. His skin is burning him, aching for more “me too if you must know”, he lets one of his hands play with a black strand of hair, Chanyeol heavy gaze on him “better than in my dreams. Even the wet one I got with Jon Snow.”

“Seriously?” Chanyeol frowns, his hands stilling at Baekhyun’s nape, “you cheated on me in your dreams with a fictional character?”

“Admit that he is hot.” 

His best friend growls and lets himself fall on Baekhyun, his weight crushing the smaller. Baekhyun gasps and wants to protest before hearing the deep voice in his ear “Okay, I’ll admit it, he has a nice ass.”

The brunet giggles “Thank you,” he turns them over, wanting to be on top. He removes Chanyeol’s shirt with one swift movement before appreciating the view bellows him. His best friend didn’t protest at all, laying comfortably against the silken sheets and fluffy cushions, his dishevelled hair clashing against the whiteness “but like I said, I like you better”.

This brings a smile to his best friend’s face and he closes the distance between their mouths again. Being on top is different, he has to move different muscles and he feels somewhat more in control even if he doesn’t need it. Not with Chanyeol. Never with Chanyeol.

Their kiss grows hotter, messier but in the same way, they never lose the tenderness that links them, Chanyeol giggling when Baekhyun bites the shell of his ear for the first time and sighing when he decides to kiss him further down, tracing the giant sternum with his lips, lighting fire on his way.  
He descends lower as Chanyeol’s breath becomes hotter, leaving red blossoming mark on his way. He kisses him until he arrives to the waistband, his eyes on the bulge bellow. Oh.

“Baek, you . . . hum,” his best friend shakes his head a little “god, why is this so difficult? We know each other since forever, it shouldn’t be awkward.”

Baekhyun laughs at that “Well, is someone nervous?”

His best friend sits up suddenly, his face close to the brunet “Ha! Like you aren’t,” he cradles his face, Baekhyun gulping the hotness stuck in his throat. Their limbs are tangled together, their hips closer than before “you’re nervous too”.

Baekhyun wants to deny but it’s impossible with the warm breath on his skin, with the trembling fingers of his best friend, with the shyness of his own touch “Yeah. . .” He presses a peck to the plush lips “I am.”

Carefully, he slides one of his legs over the giant’s laps, bringing them close again. Baekhyun always loved this position when Chanyeol has to look up for him, when he is the one above. As much as he likes to snuggle against the younger’s torso, he loves the way Chanyeol’s gaze almost worships him, gentle glint in his dark-brown eyes. They are so close now, the big hand laying on his back while Baekhyun’s pale hands rest on the nape of his best friend. So close that Baekhyun can feel the hardness of his best friend against his thighs, their hot breath melting together.

“Baek, I never. . .” his best friend swallows, eyes shining “I’ve never done something like that with a man before.”

The brunet kind of guessed this part and it makes his stomach tighten on itself, heat crawling up his spine. He never thought he might have a virgin kink for his best friend but here they are. Chanyeol surely slept with women before but that’s not the point. His arse is still intact. 

“Me neither.” For all the big talk he gives everyone sometimes about loving porn—quality erotic content—he actually never fooled around. Not when his feelings for the giant were so genuine, not when he was the only person he can think about.

At his confession, Chanyeol’s eyes widen a little and he presses their bodies closer, Baekhyun’s own erection poking at the giant’s stomach. He flushes red, clearly embarrassed but he doesn’t voice it, Chanyeol reading him like an open book.

“Well,” his best friend begins, “seems like we’re both Jon Snow in this situation: we both know nothing,” he let his mouth travels to Baekhyun’s neck “about gay sex at least.”

“That’s not true, I watched a lot of quality content about the subject and—” Chanyeol’s hand falls lower, gripping his arse gently as Baekhyun let a moan escape his throat, his voice right in the giant’s ears. He can feel his best friend shivers, the hairs of his arms rising.

They are both grinding each other, the friction sending delicious sensation down Baekhyun’s groin. If he was told this morning, he will be happy to fall sick, he wouldn’t have believed himself. He wouldn’t have believed this day could turn out like this, with Chanyeol murmuring in his ears seemingly dirty things that make him cackle and tremble against him. He wouldn’t have expected it even in his wildest dreams.

Chanyeol uses his other hand to push away Baekhyun’s short, freeing his pulsing member. The brunet should be ashamed in some way, but Chanyeol’s eyes are nothing but respectful, nothing but amazed. He touches it lightly, Baekhyun aching his back for more contact. His veins knots and twists inside him, his shallow breath coming shorter.

“You’re bigger than when we were teenagers,” the giant marvels, stroking him on the head “I expected it but. . .”

“Chanyeol,” the older growls. His best friend is lucky he is so worked up because, really, his best friend is bad at sex talk “stop talking”.

The giant swipes his thumb around the slit of the head as Baekhyun sucked a moan, his hips starting to thrust into his best friend’s hand. Chanyeol observes him attentively, his face so close that they could kiss if they wanted to but they don’t, letting their lips hover close without touching.

Everything is so intimate and hot that Baekhyun barely registers the moment he feels his best friend’s cock joins his, Chanyeol’s big palm caging both of them in a loose grip. He almost expects Chanyeol to be different in bed—figuratively speaking since they are on the floor—to be more in control, to make use of his muscles or his height. But he does nothing like that, his press on their dick is gentle, so gentle it feels like a tease and Baekhyun digs his nails in the younger’s shoulder.

“I don’t want to sound cliché but,” he let his hand travels between their stomachs and let his palm envelop Chanyeol’s fingers, squeezing until he ears a moan from his partner, “harder, Chanyeol.”

He set the new pace, his hand firm over Chanyeol’s. He can feel the muscles of the taller’s body clench and unclench against him, the imposed rhythm shaking both of them like leaves. His body is flooding with adrenaline and he kisses Chanyeol’s side face, his temple, his cheekbones and every part he can reach.

“Baek,” his partner moans, his eyes closed from the pleasure “Baek. . .”

“I know,” he kisses his cheek and finishes by his mouth, pressing a hot and wet kiss on the moist lips “I know.”

He never thought he would be this intimate with the taller, this close. The friction between them is maddening and Baekhyun cannot even bring himself to make jokes to lighten up the mood, to lessen the burning weight in his stomach. He feels Chanyeol’s fingertips caressing his butt crack, his skin extra sensible down here. Ticklish, the rough skin of the forefinger goes up and down until Baekhyun mouth let go of an inaudible “oh my god” against the giant’s forehead, damp with sweat.

He can feel Chanyeol’s precome on his own shaft, his best friend naturally pressing harder. They are both panting at this point, the previous light atmosphere forgotten.  
Baekhyun nibbles at Chanyeol’s lips, pulling at the bottom lip with his teeth as the heat in his stomach builds up, close and addictive.

“Chanyeol, I think I’m not going to last. . .”

“Me neither,” his best friend brings their forehead together, the friction between them now too much “Baek. . .”

His last words are nothing but hushed moans until his best friend spills over him, hot wetness landing on their joined hands. Baekhyun watches his mouth parts, bliss visible on the giant face and the brunet ruts a last few times, sent over the edge by the sight. They both land on the cushions, skin sticky with sweat and fluids.  
Baekhyun’s breath is uneven, his abused mouth puffing hot air on Chanyeol’s ear. He rests his wet hand near Chanyeol shoulders, feeling his best friend tangles their legs together. He let his breathing calm down a little, enough to hear the music again. The next song already started to play.

“Yeol,” the giant hums, completely dead to the world “I really like us as lovers.”

“Me too,” he wraps his hands around the smaller figure, throwing a cover over their almost naked bodies “and,” he looks down, a sheepish smile on the lips, “I really love this nickname.”

Baekhyun swears to himself to use it more often.

***

The only thing that Baekhyun totally didn’t expect is to be disturbed by an angry Kyungsoo, wondering _where the fuck_ was his sheets. Needless to say, the black-haired man didn’t expect to walk on them half-naked—if the rapid closing of the door was any indication—and Baekhyun had to hide his embarrassed chuckle in the giant’s neck.

Later on ensued a long and awkward discussion between the four of them, Jongdae almost having a mental breakdown at the realisation (“You’re gay.” “Yes.” “You’re gay for each other.” “Yes.” “Please Baek, tell me you will continue to appreciate the divine art of porn, the other two are just too prude.”) But soon after, they all fall in a normal conversation about a new film and that was it. It was as simple as that. Even through they have to swear to never use Kyungsoo’s sheets ever again but whatever.

Baekhyun even found himself writing an email to Junmyeon thereafter, a smile on his face.

It’s okay. Everything is okay.

***

“I knew they were beautiful,” Baekhyun has a spring in his step as he approaches the geisha who stopped by to take pictures with tourists “they really represent the Japanese culture.”

Kyungsoo explained to him that in Kyoto, the geisha are more often called geiko, a term uses for the geisha from the western side of Japan. While there were a lot of them in the 20th century, after the Second World War, geisha dispersed and the profession was slowly regarded upon before rising again in the sixties.

Baekhyun always had a fascination for these women, respect he cannot really explain. It’s maybe the make up, the kimono or the dance, but as much as he made it into a joke with his friends, the brunet truly dreamt of seeing a true geisha, and now two of them are in front of him.

The one on the left is wearing a baby blue kimono with navy painted clouds, a gold waistband under her chest to bring out the soft colours. The other geisha—or geiko, whatever—is smaller and probably younger too, even if it’s difficult to judge with all that make up. She is dressed in warmer colours, cherry blossoms all over her red kimono, contrasting very much with her painted white neck. Even if nowadays the product used by the geisha weren’t as harmful as in the past, Baekhyun sometimes wonders if wearing this much make up is healthy. Not like he can talk. He wears some too, time to time for parties.

They are lucky these geisha accept to stop by to take some pictures, most of them are too busy or simply annoyed by overly enthusiastic tourists.

Baekhyun shots a smile to Kyungsoo “But still, I’m sure I’d be way much more beautifuler than them in a kimono.”

“The last time I checked, ‘beautifuler’ wasn’t a word.”

“It’s to emphasis my point,” he smiles cheekily, Kyungsoo rolling his eyes at him and Jongdae seeming to ponder, “and it can become a word in the future, you never know.” 

“What I know,” Chanyeol starts, hands hidden in his pocket “is that if Baekhyun’s dream is fulfilled, can we fulfill mine now?

Baekhyun cocks his head slightly. His best friend is wrapped in his Gryffindor scarf—thank God, Baekhyun has his own scarf now, he is no longer betraying his house—a sly smile on the lips. The brunet knows for sure that Chanyeol’s biggest dream when they were younger was to become master of all the Pokemon, but right now, it doesn’t seem like it.  
He spends his whole life as his best friend and . . . four days as his boyfriend but the giant is still surprising him. And he always will.

"Baekhyun cannot shut up about being beautifuler than the geisha," he takes a step toward to brunet to wrap his hand around his wrist in a gesture that could be seen as romantic from an outsider’s point of view but Baekhyun knows better. He is trapped. ‘What if we test it?’ He turns around to see a wicked smile on Jongdae’s lips, "I’m sure I know a shop around here that do dress up tourists in geisha."

"Yeol," Baekhyun tries the nickname even more often these last days and, in general, in helps his case "I’ll not dress up as a geisha. Last time I checked—last time you checked—I was a male."

He feels Jongdae behind him, his palm resting at the brunet’s neck. He is trapped. "You know what, I feel like I understand why you fell in love with Chanyeol. He has wonderful ideas."

The brunet grimaces and try to take a step back but the giant’s grip on his hand is like steel. Firmer than his grip on their cocks when it needs to, jeez.

He tries to searches for Kyungsoo’s help but his friend only shrugs.

"Beautifuler is not a goddamn word."

Fuck all of them. Especially Chanyeol.

***

As much as Chanyeol acted cocky an hour ago, when Jongdae and Kyungsoo are no longer in sight, Baekhyun find his best friend slash boyfriend fumbles with his hands, biting nervously on his bottom lips. Baekhyun let his gaze follow the curve of the pink flesh an instant before clearing his throat.

"Are you anxious about me dressing up or the hit you will take once we are back home?" The younger eyes widen and the brunet flops besides him, chuckling, "God I’m joking Chanyeol, calm down."

"I know it’s just," he ruffles his mop of black hair, eyes land on an invisible point on the wall "I know I shouldn’t be anxious about things like that, we have been joking all our life but," he turns his eyes to Baekhyun "do you expect me to act differently because we’re . . . together? Like, really together, not just best friend but lovers and—"

The brunet brings his hands up to cup the giant’s face, the round face smooth under his palms. Chanyeol must have shaved this morning. "Things don’t have to change," he smiles as he rubs slowly the right cheek with his thumb 

"They will on some point, but" his best friend leans into the touch and Baekhyun’s chest swells with affection "we’re the same, yeah?"

"Yeah, okay," he nods and brings his palm on Baekhyun’s "except for the sex part, right?" he adds with his deep voice, even if Baekhyun can sense a strange restrain in the tone. Carefulness. Tenderness.

"After the geisha thing, I’m not so sure any more," Chanyeol whines and Baekhyun smiles happily and go back to the make up room. He has to be beautifuler than all these women after all.

***

Once he is covered in make up, Baekhyun realises how easily he becomes his joyful and cheery self again. Surrounded by his friends, he easily found his missing part. The part explaining the way he ought to smile, act, move and even sleep. It’s not forced or anything, it’s just like finding his favourite costume to play his favourite character on stage. But it’s his stage. He feels good like this, he feels complete and even if he is laughing with his friends right now, he cannot help but wonders if he’ll have to go back to square one once he has to take his plane back to Korea.

It’s not truly about changing but more like losing a part of himself again. He can deal with it, he can actually smile, act, move and sleep, but it doesn’t feel the same. It’s just not right.

He fists his hands in the kimono’s fabric and gives a look to Chanyeol who bursts in laughing at his make up. Okay, maybe he won’t have to go back to square one nor will he lose a part of him.

Chanyeol will take care of it. And he will bring a piece of all of them with him too.

He smiles.

***

The morning Baekhyun wakes up in January, he realises he only has three more days to go. Three more days in Japan.

He grumbles and tries to find sleep again in Chanyeol’s arms but his mind won’t let him rest. It’s pointless. He tried his very best to avoid the topic, to enjoy his trip with open eyes and closed mind. And he really did.

He smiles softly, his head tucked against his boyfriend’s neck. He enjoyed Kyoto a lot, even if his imbecile of friends dressed him up like a geisha. He also loved going to Nara, with the gentle deer following the tourists everywhere—even if an American threw insult at one and got his lunch stolen by the animal. He deserved it, the jackass—but he actually loved Osaka the most. This city is so alive and, at Christmas, it was simply magical. He remembers only too well Chanyeol toothy smile when he offered him a hoodie with a wolf on it—the symbol of the House Stark. The toothy smile and the crushing hug, of course. The brunet snuggles a little closer to the warm body. He’ll never get tired of this feeling.

He actually doesn’t want to go back. It’s only been three weeks, he hasn’t had the time to miss his parents, Mrs. Kwong’s bakery or even Junmyeon. He has so much more to discover, so much more shows to watch with Chanyeol, so much more castles to build.

He brings his legs closer to him and clings on the whatever-is-this-movie shirt of Chanyeol. He doesn’t want to go back to his lonely student’s room, to return to his empty bed. He doesn’t want to quit his home.

He bites on his lips and tries to commit every loud breath of his best friend in his memory.

***

“Baek, I’m sorry to say this but,” Kyungsoo truly looks apologetic for once, his hand on the brunet’s shoulders “handcuffing yourself to this tree won’t help your case either. You have to take your plane.”

The brunet shakes his head, his arms around the big tree standing proudly in the car park. They went outside for a little, the plane not taking off before two more hours. All of them came with him, even Jongdae who had to cancel a date with his pretty girlfriend. Baekhyun doesn’t want to go.

“Come on, let’s go back inside, it’s freezing,” Kyungsoo continues, gripping his arm and shacking him off the tree as Baekhyun whines, “besides, if you fall sick this time, Chanyeol won’t be here to cuddle you in bed.” His friend finishes lightly, a soft smile on his plush lips.

It’s supposed to be funny but as he smiles, Baekhyun feels his chest tightens. His departure is near.

***

He is close the check-in point again, and his friends cannot pass this door. A young Japanese woman is standing near the gate, eyeing the four friends with a forced polite smile, probably weary of them. And she’s totally right to be because, if it was up to Baekhyun, he would put his friends in his luggage and bring them with him in Korea.

Jongdae is wearing his Cheshire grin, hands in the pocket of his oversized coat while Kyungsoo scolds him about his last unwanted joke. Chanyeol on the opposite is standing at the edge of their little group, his eyes not really meeting Baekhyun’s but not really leaving him either.

“Not my fault if you cannot appreciate my wonderful style of humour,” the grinning man continues, “you’ll end up alone and grumpy, Soo.”

“You’ll end up with a tooth in less missing if you don’t shut up.” Kyungsoo grumbles as he turns to face Baekhyun, his eyes softening on the edge “Hey, don’t make this face. It doesn’t suit you.”

“I’m handsome, I’m perfect in every situation,” he counters, a not so natural smile on his lips. He can feel his own nails digging his skin. It’ll leave marks “besides, you should say that to Jongdae. Nothing suits him.”

“I almost believed we could stay friends after your departure but I just changed by mind and ouch—,” Jongdae takes a step away from Kyungsoo, nursing his stomach “that hurts!”

Kyungsoo takes Jongdae by the elbow to let Baekhyun alone with Chanyeol, the giant awfully silent since this morning. Since yesterday night if the brunet is totally honest. The giant ignored Baekhyun’s departure even longer than him and he truly realised the end of their time together when the brunet closed his last luggage at midnight. He said nothing. He just hugged him like every night, except this time he seemed to anchor himself to the smaller, pressing their bodies together until it almost hurt.

The giant bites his lips before searching for something in his pocket. He pauses for an instant, hesitation visible in his eyes, before giving a small memory stick to the brunet.

“It’s a new group I listened to a few days ago,” Baekhyun feels his chest tighten as more people passes besides him to go to their plane. The clock is ticking. “you . . . you will enjoy it, I think.”

“Thank you,” he takes a step closer to the giant, his heart missing a beat at his boyfriend’s intense stare “I . . . I’ll listen to it. Does this new band also have a weird name?” he jokes, even if his voice comes too strained to be convincing, “Marshmallow After Vegetables? Condom After Sex? Sickness After Running in Osaka Castle?”

“Shut up,” he brings his arms around the smaller figure, bending his knees to adapt his height “you’ll see.” Chanyeol lets out a shaky breath as Baekhyun feels his vision blurry. He doesn’t want to let go, he doesn’t want to go back. He wants to stay in Japan. He wants to stay home.

“I thought you loved my voice?” he tightens his grip on Chanyeol, his nose just above his collarbone.

“Yeah,” the giant retreats a little to look him in the eyes “but right now I want to shut you up.” He murmurs and kiss Baekhyun on the lips. It tastes like balm because Baekhyun insisted a few days ago (“Chanyeol, it’s like kissing papyrus. Please.”) but it was only to bother the giant. He didn’t actually think he would wear it. The giant is so naive sometimes, and Baekhyun is so thankful for having him in his life. He is _so_ fucking thankful.

Baekhyun presses his lips harder until he feels a wetness that shouldn’t be here on Chanyeol’s cheeks. The giant is crying.

“Yeol, no please, no,” he retreats just a little, just to let to giant feels his words against his skin “don’t cry. We will see each other again.” He cradles the younger’s face gently, his thumb catching a lonely tear “We will even see each other before the last season of Game of Thrones starts airing.”

The giant chuckles a little and peck the brunet’s lips one last time “Yeah, that’s for sure.”

Baekhyun takes a step toward the gate and waves at Kyungsoo and Jongdae, the two boys smiling at him. He let his eyes linger on Chanyeol a little longer, his best friend wearing his biggest smile for his departure. Baekhyun can easily say that his boyfriend is faking it but for their sake, he turns around and pretends to believe him.

He shows his passport to the Japanese lady and goes through the gate, his handbag feeling heavier at each step he takes.

See you, Japan.

***

Baekhyun truly realises he is leaving Chanyeol and his friends behind once the plane starts flying. Everyone around him let small little gasp escape their mouth, amazed by the scenery while he covers his, eyes shutting close. He feels like someone punched him in the gut, the pain lingering in his stomach for an instant before attacking the rest of his body. He can remember Chanyeol’s breath, his whisper-scream, his toothy smile and the cuddles they shared. All the memories come rushing to him, his mind filled with moments he won’t share again before a long time. He tries to regulate his breath again but he cannot.

He is leaving.

***

He left.  

***

Junmyeon is waiting for him at the airport, his usual kind smile on the lips. Baekhyun must look like a mess because he doesn’t ask him any question, he just chatters by himself and helps him with the luggage.  
Baekhyun doesn’t know why he was so opposed to make new friends a few months ago. At least, he is happy to have made an exception for his Hyung. He smiles a little and starts to participate in the discussion after some time, even if it’s just a sentence here and here.

Junmyeon beams at him and starts talking about how he obtained his first date with this waitress from the little café they always go to.

Meeting new people isn’t that bad.

***

 

Baekhyun isn’t actually sad. Not as much as planned at least. He pushes his legs over the edge of his bed and looks up at the white ceiling, pondering.

He had so much fun in Japan, so much to see and do and now he just . . . he is just bored. The brunet knows he has to move forward, to push himself out of the bed but it’s difficult, it’s difficult to resume his life where he left it after all of this. It’s like being stuck again. He feels left out and. . .

He bites on his lips. He cannot think like that. He will let himself stay in bed today because he has nothing better to do, but tomorrow he will start to live again. He will hang out with Junmyeon, help Mrs. Kwong at the bakery and even study.

Just today. Just for today, he wants to grab his cushions and close his eyes.

Just today.

***

Baekhyun looks outside of the window, people either running to get their train or acting like they have all the time in the world, hands in their jeans and head lost in their thoughts. It’s almost spring now so most of the women choose to dress in small clear dresses, a fitting blazer on top of it. They seem more prone to smile, the season freeing them from the woolen scarves, beanies and gloves. Baekhyun, on the other hand, still clings to his new scarf, emerald-green and silver. Slytherin colours.

He smiles and takes a sip of his hot cocoa. Chanyeol send him a few weeks ago in a package, alongside other things they can only find in Japan. If only the man could send himself too, Baekhyun would be pleased.  
He sighs a little. At first, sleeping alone was difficult. Baekhyun clung to his cushions like a mad man and even went as far as buying the same shampoo as Chanyeol. But surprisingly, it wasn’t as hard as expected. Baekhyun thought he will sleep his winter away—and all the seasons, really—but he didn’t.

No, because they were in the 21st century and that Chanyeol was calling him every day. Just like right now.

“ _Baek, I should be the one sighing,_ ” his boyfriend scowls on the computer’s screen, his eyes concentrated on his Japanese grammar book “ _this language is just insane._ ”

It’s true that he misses Chanyeol’s warmth, his kisses and . . . well, the other things, but he talks to his best friend every day and, even if not the same, Baekhyun learnt to appreciate what they have.

“I’m the one seeing your tired face,” he answers smugly, bringing back his stare on his own books. Really, he wishes he had Junmyeon with him to explain this stupid part, but his Hyung is hanging out with his new girlfriend. So much for a perfect student. “So I have all the right in the world to complain.”

The light ruffle of paper of a neighbour table steals his attention an instant before Baekhyun smiles. The whole café is packed with people, customers of all ages eager to enjoy the end of the winter. And as always, it’s crowded with students like him who bask in the relaxing ambiance to write their reports. Or talk with their beloved one.

“ _My face is the epitome of perfection_ ,” the giant points at him with a pen “ _so is my body. God, you’re so lucky to have me as your boyfriend. I could have been an idol or something in another life_.”

Baekhyun rolls his eyes “Yeah, sure, with your ears I’m sure you could have starred in the remake of Star Wars,” he smirks as he skims through his next maths exercise “no need to tell you which role”.

The giant pouts at him and Baekhyun tries not to chuckle. Two weeks ago he made fun of the giant’s ears rather loudly and his boyfriend ended the Skype conversation right away—even if he called Baekhyun back a few minutes later, worried that he might have hurt the smaller’s feelings. The whole situation had been awfully cute, but Baekhyun would rather not tempt the devil again. He knows where Chanyeol’s boundaries lie.

“ _Anyway,_ ” his boyfriend shakes his head a little and closes the grammar book in front of him “ _I took a part-time job near my university,_ ” he looks up, his pixel face breaking into a smile, “ _to, you know, earn money._ ”

" Whoa, and here I was thinking you were suddenly becoming a saint,” he puts his hand on his chest as a false gasp escapes his mouth “I’m disappointed.”

“ _Your sarcasm becomes worse with years, seriously,_ ” the giant grumbles, “ _I don’t even know if I really want to come to see you this summer._ ”

Baekhyun’s eyes widen and he brings the screen closer to him “you’re coming to Korea?” he says, all sarcasm forgotten, “you . . . you’ll come?”

“ _Oh I don’t know,_ ” the giant shrugs, “ _maybe I’ll use that money to buy this new game console instead, it seems really—_ ”

“Yah! Park Chanyeol!” he looks intently at the screen, as if he could make his best friend come out of it “you’d better bring your piece of arse here”.

The only response he got is a bright laugh, loud enough to bring the attention of a young waiter on his table. Even hundred of miles away, his best friend is still the loudest of the room.  
They chat the whole afternoon after that, Baekhyun finally understanding his maths problem. More or less. He understands Chanyeol and that’s enough. 

*** 

  
Baekhyun’s foot decides to bring him to the park near the university, the scent of freshly cut grass heavy in the air. He breathes deeply and walks a little slower, appreciating the view. He doesn’t need to rush, his last exam is over and he can truly enjoy a moment of peace now.

Many students had the same idea as him, most of them spread on the grass like a starfishes, completely dead to the world.

__The last days were tough but it was over now and summer is just around the corner as well as the holiday season for his friends. He walks further up, finding his usual spot near the massive oak tree. He sits down and scroll between his playlist until he selects “Keep on loving you”, a playlist full of Chanyeol’s songs._ _

__He smiles and lets his head rest against the trunk, the last message of his boyfriend imprinted on the back of his eyelids._ _

_I’m coming home._   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading this story! I hope you'll enjoy my next work too! 
> 
> Also, if you're like Chanyeol and you enjoy discovering new musics, I really recommand the band Cigarette After Sex (I saw them in concert and they are amazing and really really nice.) Thanks to their music, I had a lot of inspiration for some scenes.  
> Anyway, feel free to leave a comment (I love reading them) and I wish you all a lovely day~


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